Polar Express & St. Nick

Christmas Card Photos

Here is a preview of some of the great shots we got of the kiddos in our attempt to get a shot for the Christmas card. Yes we currently have 2 trees up. We have a 3rd one too but no where to put it but there will soon be a 4 foot pink tree since I know a little girl who wants one.

Thankful

In honor of the big day here is my list.

An adoring husband who puts up with all my craziness and is always there to support me 100%.

My 2 beautiful, sweet, silly children that fill everyday with lots of laughs, hugs, kisses, giggles, and happiness.

Our families. We may have our ups and downs but I love them all and am thankful that they are in my life because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

My job. I get to work with amazing people everyday doing an amazing job helping mold our future. Even though there are many days I feel beat down by everything going on in education but in the end I love my job and I love my students.

Our good fortune. We have been lucky to be fairly healthy this last year and even though we hit some rough patches financially we have stayed afloat.

I love my life and even though things don't always go exactly as I want I know I have it really good and I am thankful for all the love in my life.

Last Week

Last week we went to the park for our friend's birthday. The kids had a blast and Milo went swinging in the real swing for the first time. He loved it. Eve finally enjoyed the swings too. (She has taken longer than most kids to build up the courage to try out the toys at the park.)

Life as we know it

Life has been crazy busy lately. Adam got a temporary job that could last for at least 10 months which means he will keep looking for a new job so hopefully we will be good come next year. This job offers a ton of overtime. He can work 12 hour days and 8 hours on Saturday and this week he could even have worked on Sunday. They had to do mandatory 10 hours of overtime this week. So Adam is putting in mad amounts of overtime which pretty much means my days are filled with work and then taking care of both kids all night. Usually they are both in bed by the time he gets home. I miss spending time with him but at the same time like the idea of building our savings back up more quickly.

A day.

After school we got the news I had been expecting for some time now. They are, contemplating, meaning they are going to close our school. We will get transferred to other schools if there are openings. I feel bad for our students because they are closing our school basically the parents won't stand up and fight for them like the more affluent schools in our district even though they have way lower enrollment than us. I don't like that I probably won't know until May where I might be. I hope I don't end up getting split between schools. I also will most likely not get to teach the 7th grade accelerated students if I end up at a Junior High and I really don't have the desire to teach 7th or 8th general anymore. I wonder if I will get to move to the high school which would be my preferred choice. I really wonder where I will go and would like to make that decision sooner than later so I can prepare my move. I am not looking forward to all the conversations I will need to have with my students as they struggle to make sense of what is going to happen next year. I just want to teach and be there for my students but there are some days I feel like there are so many obstacles I just can't do what I need to.

Usually a day like would lead to a lot of whining on my part but I am to the point of just embracing what is happening and trying to make the best of the situation.

A new outlook.

I know I have been so mopey lately and I don't like it. I finally got my reality check today. When I was dropping Eve off I overheard one of her teachers talk about how she is really struggling raising her 2 teenage sons because she is a widow and they really need a male in their lives so she has been trying to get men from her church to kind of step up to help her show her sons how men should live a moral life. After I drop Eve off everyday I drive the rest of the way to work and pray/think to myself. As I was driving I saw a woman at a bus stop who had her whole side of her face bruised. I realized I need to get over all the crap and realize what I have to be thankful for.

I have 2 beautiful children.

Milo's smile lights up the whole room. Every time I look at him he smiles at me...even when he is whining.

Eve is so funny. Her curiosity kills me. I love how she says words wrong. Like shade-o instead of shadow. She is so sweet and I love that she is so loving to her family.

Adam is amazing. He is the most giving man in the world. He takes such good care of the kids and me. I can't put into words how much I love him. I like that we are always on the same page. Sometimes I think we are the same person. Like tonight when we were talking about dinner we both had a new idea of how to prepare the roll for our meatball subs. It was the exact same idea of making the roll into garlic bread first before adding the meatballs.

I am thankful for my parents because they always make time for us.

I am thankful for my students because they always know how to make me smile/laugh even if we had a rough day.

I am thankful that my coworkers take the time to tell me good things they hear about me in class because it makes my day.

Halloween.

Milo is 6 months!

Milo had his 6 month Dr. appointment today he was 28 inches and 16 lbs 15.5 oz. He dropped from the 75th to 50th percent for weight but they don't seemed too concerned. 6 months is when Eve started to drop off the weight charts and it only took 4 years to get back on the chart at the 10th percent which is better than the below 3% she was at. Milo is in the 95th percentile for height so we still have a pretty big baby. I am actually surprised he has only grown an inch in 2 months because he seems extra long. He toughed out his shots with hardly a cry. He has a slight problem with his circumcision where the Dr. had to re-break part of it and the poor baby didn't handle that well at all. He is a mess every time we change his diaper. Plus tooth # 2 is coming in.

Blahhhhh.

That is how I feel lately. I feel like I don't have anything exciting to post. I am kind of depressed about Adam's work situation. I hate using our savings and it makes me upset. I don't want to totally disrupt Eve's life by taking her out of school even though it would save us $500 a month. Adam is supposed to start a new job doing loan processing which he hates doing and it is temporary and they are only saing the job will last 6-10 months. It will be nice because it will make it so we can work and building up the money we spent the last couple of months but it still sucks. He is going to keep looking for something else but even with this job I feel like we need to still save up every penny because who knows what the future holds. I have thought about getting a part time job to help get our money back and to get a little extra for Christmas but I think it hurts Adam's pride that I am even considering it. The reality is we will be fine but with the way the economy is I feel like I need to be prepared for worst case senario at all times. When we first got married we had a lot of debt and we worked our way out of it and have had money ever since and I don't ever want to go back to that.

A Girl!

My SIL had a baby girl today!

A vent.

I know I said I was going to try and be positive but I have to get this vent out. I really dislike my inlaws sometimes. I hate the way they make all of their children vie for their love and attention. I hate that we all do it anyway. I hate how my husband is so forgiving of them. I hate that they don't treat my kids like grandparents should. I hate that they only talk about how great 2 of their grandkids are while the other 4 are chopped liver. I hate that they didn't have the decency to tell my kids goodbye when they decided to move. I hate they stand by and support when their children make bad decisions but don't support their children when they make the right ones. It kills me that everything is always about them and I hate that it upsets me. I wish I could not care about them. I wish it didn't hurt. I wish I didn't doubt their love and I wish I could let myself have no expectations from them so it didn't hurt so bad when they didn't live up to them.

The one thing I have to say about my parents is that although they can be wacky sometimes at least I have never doubted that they love me and when I really need them I know they will be there.

I honestly can't imagine what it is like to have a deadbeat parent because this is hard enough and they are in our lives although they don't seem to really get what it means to be a parent. I will stop venting now. I just need to get it out because Adam just doesn't get it sometimes and I feel bad always venting about his parents to him because they are his parents whether it makes me happy or not.

What's going on.

I haven't been posting much because it feels like all I have to do is complain and I feel like I have just been so negative. I am trying really hard to be positive. Adam had a job interview last week for a company he would actually like to work for and we have been waiting patiently to hear back. They said they would call either way. I think because it has been so long the answer is no but we will wait it out. I just hope we know either way by the weekend. I wish people would call him for interviews. The economy is just so depressing.

Work on my end has been ok. The Principal at my school actually backed me up when I addressed an issue with an intern I had in my class and I was thankful for that. It is a huge weight that has been lifted off of me.

I feel like I am this huge ball of stress right now and am trying so desperately to live in the moment and relax. I know God is watching out for us and I just need to let go of trying to make everything perfect. This is something I continually struggle with. I have just been feeling overwhelmed with everything and I need to realize that some things are just out of my hands.

The kids are doing great. Milo started rice cereal on his 5 month birthday. He loves it. Eve is loving her school and is excited to start "Church school" in 2 weeks.

Taking pictures underwater is hard. Especially when she swims faster than I can line up the shot.

Milo has super long arms. These pajamas are 6-12 months and they look like 3/4 length sleeves.

So Much Fun!

Tonight one of my friends had a little BBQ at her house. There were 4 couples there plus each of us has 2 kids so 8 adults and 8 kids ages 4years to 4 months. I love when we all get together and it doesn't happen enough. The kids all play so well we were there for about 5 hours and I don't think I heard any of the kids cry at all (besides Milo when he was hungry and I wasn't making his bottle fast enough.) We all got to gossip and catch up and tell silly stories about our silly kids who are all so much a like. It was beautiful this evening out and we got to sit under the stars while the children entertained themselves and laughs were had by all. I am so thankful for my friends and the great people I have gotten to know while working at my work. They really are a fun group to sit back and have drinks with. Eve ended up a total filthy mess covered from head to toe from digging in the dirt and then mixing it with pool water and Milo just lit up with great big smiles as he was passed around. What a great night. We really needed it.

Milo 4 months.

I have been such a slacker lately but there has just been so much on our plates I feel stressed to the max. Milo had his 4 month visit over 2 weeks ago. He was 15.6lbs. and 27inches. He is a ginormous baby. He smiles at me every time I call him Fatso Fatso. My mom keeps telling me I am going to give him a complexion. He doesn't really look chunky just really long. Our Dr. said we could start him on solids if we wanted or we could wait. We are choosing to wait until he shows us he is ready or he hits 6 months which ever comes first. He seems to be content with the bottle right now. I will update tomorrow with pictures.

I better set up a college fund now.

This week in Eve's preschool they are learning about safety so she came home and told us when we are in trouble she needs to call 9-0-1.

Adam was hiding her kitty. He told her it was under Milo's owl. Owl is about 4 inches big. Kitty is about 12 inches big. She picked up the owl to see if it was there.

She went over to Milo while he was in his bouncy chair playing and started crazily shaking the chair on him. We had to tell her our favorite saying in the house, "Don't shake the baby!" (It is a joke on the fact while in the hospital with Milo we were constantly told not to shake the baby.)

She is a bright one!

Worst Week.

I had the worst day at work on Tuesday.

Adam got laid off Tuesday.

My in-laws told Adam Thursday that they are moving back to WI in a few days. They have had their house on the market for 2 months and lied to us about it. We are beyond furious with them. I don't even care that they are moving I am mad that they lied about it. It will be a long time before I allow them back into my family's life. I am sick of them hurting Adam and I am not going to let them do it to Eve and Milo. This event is just the icing on the cake of ways they have disappointed him. They are never there when he needs them in fact they like to do the exact opposite when he needs them. I am so mad that I sit her so furious about how they treat Adam and our kids while they go on their merry little way and not even have a clue how much they hurt their children and grandchildren.

I feel like I have been swallowed up by sadness this week.

I am so thankful for Adam, Eve, and Milo because they have been my sunshine

Mom of the year.

Adam and I were sitting at the table eating grilled Velvetta cheese sandwiches and Adam was saying it is too bad Eve doesn't like cheese because they were really yummy. Right after that Eve came over to ask what we were eating. I told her Velvetta sandwiches and she said she wanted a bite. We gave her some and she liked it. Then she asked what Velvetta was and I told her it was meat because if I told her it was cheese she would never eat it again. So now the joke is that we eat Velvetta meat sandwiches.

Other than that I have just been really busy with work and just don't feel like I will ever catch up. Work has had a lot of up and downs and I am trying to roll with the punches and keep a positive attitude.

Work Mornings.

So I head back to work tomorrow. I am not especially looking forward to it. I am going to have to drop the kids off at different places which means my already hectic mornings are going to be even more rushed. I did a trial run of how my morning would work. Here is what I think I am going to need to do. First of all everything needs to be packed and ready to go the night before and clothes need to be laid out because there is like zero time to mess around.

4:45-5:30-Work out.
5:30-6:00-Shower and Dressed.
6:00-6:15-Get Milo dressed and fed.
6:15-6:30-Get Eve up and ready.

My DH gets up at 5:45 to get ready and out of the house by 6. I foresee a little arguing that will ensue in the mornings if he doesn't shape up. First of all he gave me a hard time because I got the mirror foggy while I took a shower because he needed to get ready for work. Second Milo started fussing this morning while I was working out. Not a huge deal. A couple of quick jaunts to his room and a pacifier fix later and he is all better. Well as I am trying to finish my makeup Adam is getting ready to leave and Milo is fussing again. I ask Adam to give Milo his pacifier so that I can finish getting dressed. His response I am trying to get ready to leave. Really... and starting tomorrow what do you think I am going to do???? I seriously will bite his head off if he says that to me tomorrow. I am sorry that I need his help but for Pete's sake if you can't get ready because I need your freaking help wake up 5 minutes earlier. If it continues I am pretty sure that Adam will be going to work late one day and getting himself and both kids ready and off to their respective places for just one morning. It is a total freaking pain. I hate being rushed and I hate trying to get Eve ready in the morning. She will fight me tooth and nail the whole morning and it seems that Milo is going to do the same thing since he has done nothing but whine since he got up. And I swear if he cries the whole 30 minute ride to daycare I might just lose it. I honestly wouldn't mind going to work each day if my mornings weren't so rushed. When your morning starts off feeling like you are spinning out of control it makes for a crappy day all around.

He is getting so big.

I have to download the 3 month pictures from our other camera but I took this video this morning. He is developing so fast. Last week he was not grabbing for things at all he would only kick his legs to make them bounce well today I looked over and he was holding the oooooohl (as Eve so cutely called it before realizing it actually is an owl and the name has stuck ever since.)

We have a swimmer!

Way to go Eve! I am soooooooo proud of you!!!!!!!Milo's first time in the pool.

Milo's favorite toy.

Milo loves to kick so I went and picked up Eve's old kicking toy from storage and he loves it but he gets upset at the end when he kicks it too far away. Eve likes to play with it too.

A day in our life.

Most days having 2 kids is pretty much the same as having 1. There are times that having 2 kids can be difficult though.

Today I thought I still had some time before Milo woke up from his nap and decided to quick take a shower. I asked Eve to come tell me if Milo started crying so I would hurry and end my shower. She is usually really good at this. Today I get out of the shower and I hear him screaming. I asked Eve why she didn't tell me and she said she was being lazy and that he had been fussing since right after I got in the shower. Nice. So I quickly dry off and throw on my bathrobe and go make a bottle for Milo and then go to change him. So I have just taken Milo's diaper off when Eve comes running through the living room and trips over my yoga mat. She is bawling on the ground. She has become such a klutz these days it is ridiculous. I ask if she is ok. She cries but I am in the middle of changing Milo's diaper so there is not much I can do for her at that second. By the time I finish changing Milo and am about to go tend to Eve I realize she is standing at Milo's doorway in tears and holding her elbow. I set Milo down and try and substitute his pacifier for the bottle he really wants. Take a look at Eve and realize that her elbow is bleeding. I am now freaked out that she has a broken elbow or has massively screwed it up on the inside since it is bleeding and she fell on a yoga mat so it isn't like there was anything to make her bleed. I clean off the blood and realize it is from a small hole in her arm. By this time Milo realizes that he is sucking on his pacifier instead of his bottle and lets both of us know he is not happy about it. Eve is still bawling hysterically. I have her practice bending and unbending her arm. She seems to do it without wincing in pain although she still is crying nonstop. I now need to decided who to take care of...do I...1. comfort Eve or 2. Feed Milo? This is a hard one to decided. So I start by cuddling Eve figuring if I get a minute of really good snuggle time in she should be ok and then I will be able to reassess the arm situation on whether it deserves a call into the Dr. So as I am holding her (Milo is still crying) and ask her to explain what happened. It wasn't the fall on the yoga mat that cut her arm it was the tacks that hold the carpeting at a doorway that had stabbed her. After initial fall she was army crawling towards us and hit her elbow just perfectly on the tack. After she told me the story she stopped crying but still wanted to be held. So I picked up Milo with Eve still in my lap and somehow managed to feed him. Everyone was happy in the end but dealing with this made me wonder...How do people do this with more than 2 kids or people who have kids really close in age where both kids are needy all the time. I am in awe of those people because that is a lot to handle.

*Between the first fall and when Milo got his bottle was only about 5 minutes so it wasn't like I was neglecting him.

Cranker McCrankerpants

That shall be Milo's new name. He has taken to fighting naps during the day. Once he takes his nap he is awesome but getting him to fall asleep is a total chore. At least he still sleeps well at night.

2 months and 4 year visits.

So we took both kids to the Dr. yesterday. Eve had her 4 year appointment and got 4 shots. She did amazing at them and only cried at the end which made me get a little teary. Milo got 4 shots and one oral vaccine. So we had 2 kids and 8 shots. They both were pretty good last night and we promised to take Eve to build-a-bear today as a special present for being so good during her shots. I happen to have $20 in free coupons for there so it was the perfect way to bribe her. Milo is bigger than Eve was at a year. At a year Eve was 13lbs 3oz and 23.5 inches.

Milo
Weight: 13lbs 3oz
Height 25 inches

Eve
Weight: 31.6 lbs
Height: 39 inches

Singing

Last weekend when we were at Adam's parents house they wanted to know if Eve wanted to sleep with them. She didn't want to while I don't blame her because she isn't super close with them this coming from a kid who always finds ways to scam her way into our bed or into my parent's bed ALL.THE.TIME. I knew it kind of hurt their feelings and since I am trying to help her become closer to them I struck a deal with her that if she slept with them this one time I would let her spend the night in our bed when we got home for one night. She agreed as long as I also sang her our song. Not a big deal right? Well I go to put her down and Adam's parent's bed and my mother-in-law laid with her. So Eve is like sing my song now mom. So I had to sing the song in front of my mother-in-law. I have a TERRIBLE singing voice but I did it even though I was super embarrassed and she spent the night with them and all were happy.

So here is our song sung by the person who should sing it to her every night because I am going to make her tone def with my singing.

4th of July weekend.

2 months!

What happens when you wait until 8:00pm to take pictures of your son?

He gets tuckered out after 2 pictures.

Milo's sleep.

To answer WinsyWade's question of how we get Milo to sleep at 8:30pm.

Honestly he has been a decent sleeper since the day we brought him home. When we first brought him home he would only cry when he was hungry. Well now the only time he really cries now is when he is tired. Every night for the last 2 weeks he has been getting fussy around 8ish and after being changed and feed just keeps fussing. That is his cue that he is tired. We swaddle the crap out of him in the miracle blanket and he immediately calms down. We lay him in his pack-n-play and he chills out and falls asleep within 15 minutes.

He has been getting better and better at sleeping at night and sleeps from about 8:00pm-5:ooam consistently. I personally would prefer if he stayed up just a touch later so that I could sleep in a little longer but am very thankful for the sleep I am getting so I won't push my luck and enjoy the down time I get with Adam while the kids are sleeping.

So to answer your question Winsy it is all him. He likes to sleep and he likes to eat. He is the total opposite of what Eve was as a baby.

I moved on.

I cancelled my appointment although I fibbed a little to do so. I said I was going out of town which is true and said I would reschedule when I returned which is not true. I then thought I had found the perfect sounding place for physical therapy until I called and they no longer take my insurance. I went back to my insurance website and after I discarded the physical therapists from that clinic they only had 9 possible choices within 25 miles of where I live. I live in a big city and have a big name insurance carrier so this kind of threw me for a loop. So I chose one at random and I feel good about it. She is in between my house and work so it is convenient from either place, she has late night appointments, and when I described my pain the receptionist said she specializes in that area as she used to work with pregnant patients. The only downside is I have to wait until July 15th at 7:30 pm to go there. I am excited though.

Why is breaking up so hard to do?

So like I said I have been having some serious lower back pain/pelvic pain since Milo has been born. I decided to go to the chiropractor about it. He is a nice guy but I am just not feeling much relief and honestly I feel like I am now in pain in places where there wasn't really pain before. Like for instance he was pulling on my head to realign my neck and since then my ears feel like they do when you go on an airplane and my jaw hurts. Then last time I went he was pulling on my leg to try and realign my hip and my ankle cracked and it hurt to walk for the rest of the night. I would like to stop going but I am not sure how to break off the appointments. I am also having some issues from my past that is making this difficult.

When I was 20 I was in a pretty bad car accident. I got t-boned and was having some lower back pain and jaw pain. The pain was mostly when I sat down for too long and although painful it wasn't debilitating either. I simply wanted to live a life where there was no pain. I decided to go see a pain management Dr. He made me come to see him every other day including weekends. He put me on some heavy narcotics and did some types of therapy. None of the narcotics seemed to help. He kept changing my prescription to different types of meds and nothing helped with the pain. Honestly looking back I can't even remember what exactly he did for therapy because all I can remember is that with all the drugs I was on was I could not lead a normal life. I was going to him for about 2 months with my parents paying his ridiculously expensive bills that insurance would only partly cover and me having to pay $20 co-pays 4 times a week(I was a broke college kid at the time.) Well one weekend I was watching TV and I was going to get ready for bed and I literally couldn't get myself out of the chair. It took about 30 minutes of me trying to get my body to do what my brain was telling it. This would happen to me often and it was making me feel overwhelmed so he prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds. So I thought I was doing better until one day I missed a dose of my medicine and went through withdrawal just like a junkie. It was awful. I realized my body had become addicted to these drugs and that was something I didn't like. I decided to start lowering my own dosage over the next week in hopes of getting off them even though the Dr. said it was important that I take them. Many times I spent hours on the bathroom floor trying to recover. One one of these days my parents were home and as I lay on the floor huddled in the fetal position my mom was in there talking to me and suddenly I just laid out everything I was feeling. I wasn't feeling better, the drugs were making me feel like I couldn't handle my life, and overall I was just stressed. She called my Dr. and explained what was happening and his response was that I needed to get a higher dose of drugs and come in immediately to see him. My mom explained to him that the drugs were making me worse and he started yelling at her. My mom explained that his services were no longer needed and he became irate with her. I could hear him yelling at her through the phone. She hung up on him and after a weekend of hell I was off the drugs and feeling like a normal person again. I still had back pain so at the referral of my regular Dr. went and saw a physical therapist and healed up real nice. Crazy ass Dr. lost his licence shortly after I stopped seeing him because he treat other patients even worse than me. So I have Dr. issues and I kind of feel like going to the chiropractor has a lot of similarities to seeing Dr. Crazy.

1. I am not feeling any better and when I do feel a little relief it is short lived.
2. I am going to see him at least twice a week at $35 a pop. That is $70 a week, $140 every two weeks, $280 a month. That is a lot of money to me especially when I am still in pain. I think about all the nice things I could do with $280 a month and it sickens me.
3. My pain is in one very specific spot and it seems to be the spot that he spends the least amount of time working on. He does all of my lower back but it is specifically just to the left of my tailbone very deep in the joint that hurts.

So I want to stop seeing him and perhaps go to physical therapy instead. It is a really small office with just his wife as the receptionist and him. (another similarity to Dr. Crazy) and I feel bad because they are nice people and I know he feels like chiropractors don't get the credit they deserve and that he really wants to help me but it just isn't working out for me. I know I just need to call and cancel my appointment but I am having a hard time with it.

Halloween

So I have been asking Eve what she wants to be for Halloween this year. (It is never too early to start planning in my opinion.)

So far she has wanted to be:
A birdie
A scary monster
and a Dinosaur: a Stomp-A-Saurus to be exact

I love her.

I loved you first.

I have been trying desperately to get a video of Milo cooing and smiling. This is the best I have gotten so far. I love Eve in this video. She has become a total ham for the camera lately and wants to be in every picture with Milo. She is so sweet to him though and he loves to stare at her.

The "I loved you first" is a game we play in our house and it usually involves a lot of ..."No I loved__(pick a family member)__first." I am actually surprised that she didn't say it back after I said I loved Milo first because we usually go back and forth a lot. If you listen really carefully you will here Adam say he loved Milo first after I say it. In our house we tell a lot of secrets and 90% of the time the secret is I loved you first and the other 10% is I love you.

No Sleep...Till Brooklyn

(Disclaimer...As I was typing the title No Sleep I said it just like in the Beastie Boys song. So that is where the Till Brooklyn came from. Click here to see a video of this song. I luvre me some Beastie Boys.)

Last night sleep was pretty much nonexistent.

8:30pm-both kids in bed
10:30pm-Adam and I go to bed.
11pm-fall asleep
12:30am-Eve starts crying in the other room. She is scared and wants to come in our room.
12:30-1:30am-Eve will not lay still in bed and every time I ask her to chill out or I move she starts talking to me. She is WIDE awake.
2am-I am sweating profusely since Eve won't stop laying on top of me so I get up to turn the air lower.
3:30am-Milo starts to fuss.
3:45am-Milo wants a bottle/diaper change.
4am-put him back down
4am-4:45am-He fusses every 15 minutes for his nooky.
4:45am-I give him some more bottle in hopes of making him go into a milk coma....Success
5am-Success...put him back down to sleep
5:30am-Adam's alarm starts going off.
6am-7am-peace and quiet
7am-Milo starts fussing. I get up to make him a bottle and he fell back asleep before I can give it to him.

7am-and both kids are passed out and I am giving up on sleep because I need to be at the Chiropractor at 11:30am which means leaving the house by 10:45am so I can drop the kids off with my dad so I need to be in the shower by 9:30am and was scared if I went back to sleep I would never wake up again.

Maybe she is mine.

I always say that Eve can't possibly be my child because she doesn't like cheese. Adam and I love cheese and put it on EVERYTHING. She hates cheese. I am from Wisconsin so how could I not love cheese. There are 3 things we love in good old Wisconsin...cheese, beer, and sausage. I love all types of sausage...brats, summer, chedderwurst, etc...and of course I can never get enough beef jerky and snack sausage (ask Adam and he will tell you that whenever we go on a road trip I can't live without beef jerky or snack sticks.) Eve loves snack sticks. She ate half the package I bought yesterday. So apparently she is my child.

STTN

Milo slept from 8:30 pm-6am. It was awesome. Keep up the great work little man. He is also been a smiling cooing machine lately and I have been trying to get a video of him going it and every time I pull out my camera he stops and just blankly stares at me.

Body Progress Report.

So I am going to put it all out there and let you know that when I started working towards this body transformation I weighed 195.6 lbs according to my Wii fit. I am going to continue to use the Wii as my scale since it helps me keep track of everything. I did really well the first couple of weeks and then we went to WI/IL and then I got all the way up to 197.5. We are trying to get back on track with eating healthier and I have been working out for the last couple of days and I think I am looking a *little* more tight. I have been having some back issues since having Milo so I have been having a hard time going full swing into working out. I am going to the Chriopractor today so hopefully everything will start to go better from here. Adam and I are also going to eat better next week because we have had a few bad meals this week.

Stats:

Day 1: 195.6 lbs

Day 28: 193.8 lbs

Total: Down 1.8 lbs

Pictures:

When I grow up. (long and random)

Adam and I have always agreed to have 2 kids if God granted them to us. I have always thought in the back of my mind that perhaps we would have 3 especially if we ended up with 2 of the same sex kids because I really wanted a girl and Adam wanted a boy (which I find amazing because Eve is all about Daddy and Milo so far is all about Mommy.) Well as fate would have it we have one of each. So now Adam is completely convinced that this is it, but I have this desire to have another. This last year has been a roller coaster for us. In the last year we have lost a pregnancy, a grandma, and a grandpa and we gained our beautiful Milo after many ups and downs. Adam has stated on occasion of me bringing up the possibility of a 3rd baby that this year has been too much and he really doesn't want to go through it again. He loves the family we have created and is willing to go get "fixed." We have agreed to wait a year before going through the procedure to make sure we are really done. Well I just can't seem to let it go. I feel like I am really ok with 2 kids and honestly there are so many drawbacks in my mind of having another...more money for daycare, need a bigger car/van, need a bigger house, etc. Two kids fits us and our lifestyle. So why can't I let go of this idea of one more? I have been thinking about it a lot. And then as I was casually talking to Adam in the car today about having maybe one more I think it dawned on me why. As a kid growing up I always said to myself that my life's goals were to graduate college, get married, and have kids just as I think many young girls think of. Well I have done all of those things...now what. I think this idea was also confounded by the fact that we waited so long between kids. Starting 2.5 years ago I really wanted another kid and we waited a year and a half before trying again and I think that build up of we are going to be trying and then waiting for the healthy birth of your child is huge and realizing that I won't get to do that again kind of sucks even though it is good too. So now I feel like I have this huge part of me that is going to be part of my past. Am I all grown up now that I meet all my lifetime goals from when I was a kid? Do I need to make new long term idealistic goals to get the feeling to go away? Or do I accept that I have finished one wonderful chapter I have dreamed about since I was little and be open to where the next chapter leads me. I really think I need to accept that we are done having kids and just look forward to watching them grow. I really don't want another kid I just want the experience and that is not a reason to have a child so hopefully God will grant me peace with the decision to love and enjoy my two beautiful children and allow the longing for another to subside.

Sibling Love.

While in the hotel Eve slept between Adam and I and Milo slept in his carseat next to me. Well Milo woke up to eat and when he was done I laid him next to Eve so I could take a picture of them together. Eve woke up, saw Milo was next to her and put her arm around him and they fell back asleep.

What a week.

Last week Tuesday Adam's grandpa passed away. We flew up to Milwaukee that night and have had the crazy busiest week since then. We spent so much time with family and I think we spent more time in Illinois than Wisconsin even though we were staying in WI. Even though we were there for such a sad reason we really had a great time. We took Eve to the Museum of Science and Industry. We also got to eat at most of our favorite restaurants like Portillos, Kopps, Lakeland Bakery, Next Door Pub, and Toppers pizza. I probably gained 50 lbs from all the crap we ate.

I will write more probably tomorrow but for now I am exhausted.

1 month stats!

On Friday Milo had his one month appointment.
Length: 23.5 inches
Weight: 11lbs 6oz
Head Circumference: 15.5 inches

My child is huge but I love him and he is staying right on track with his growth.

I also had my postpartum Dr. visit. It was quick and to the point. Apparently I am all healed up nicely and on top of it all I have lost 30 pounds since having Milo when I only gained 19 during pregnancy. I am really happy about that. I had lost about 26 lbs within the first 2 weeks but then had put a pound or two back on. We have been eating healthy this week and that has really helped. We started using e-mealz.com to get our meal plan for the week. We are doing the points system for 2. Everything we have made so far has been fairly decent and we have noticed it has helped us also cut back on our portion size. We had a few bad meals this week because it was Adam's birthday but overall I still feel really good about this plan. We are hoping to be able to maintain it and see if with more consistency if we lose even more.

My big girl.

So today Milo was napping and Eve wanted to do the Wii fit so I put on her body test and click all the buttons for her while chatting with Adam on MSN messenger. Well I must not have been going fast enough or paying much attention because before I know it I look up and she took the controller and is doing ski jump. She apparently knows how to use the Wii without assistance. Sometimes I don't know about this kid because she seems to have a knack for the most random things yet still skips numbers when counting (she always forgets 6.)

So here is a picture I snuck of her playing by herself.

1 Month!

Time is just flying by!

Eve the S-M-R-T child

Eve woke up the other morning and had to go to the restroom. I was in the living room with Milo so she was going and this is the conversation we had across the house.

E: Mom I peed a little on the floor
Me: Get some toilet paper and clean it up I will be in there in a minute to clean it better.
E: Mom it got all over Milo's bath mat.
Me: What do you mean it got all over Milo's bath mat?
E: I kind of made a mess.
Me: Ok I am coming.

So I put Milo down and go in the bathroom to find that there is pee everywhere. Like a giant puddle. I then started laughing hysterically. The night before we had given Milo a bath and Adam had put the toilet seat down so he could sit on it while we bathed him. Eve never put it up and her pee rolled right off of the toilet onto the ground. It is now the running joke that we ask Eve every time if she is sure the seat is up.

Shred day 2

Is it bad that even my 4 year old who never runs out of steam can even handle the shred. She wanted to do it today with me so I turned it on and about 30 seconds in realized I just couldn't do it today. I literally could not force myself to do a single jumping jack. I would mentally prepare myself to do it...1,2,3...Jump and nothing would happen. So I sat down and let Eve jump around and pretend she was doing what they were doing and by the time they finished the first set of crunches Eve was spent. She then complained for the rest of the night that she worked out too hard and her back hurt. Seriously I just couldn't muster up the strength to do it. I actually feel really good today except my thighs are so sore. I almost peed myself today because I was having a hard time sitting down fast enough and there were a few times I thought my leg was going to give out while walking (not good when you have a newborn). So I did the Wii fit step aerobics for 20 minutes instead. Tomorrow I will go swimming for a LONG time. I love swimming. I need to stop by our storage and pick up my handweights and workout bench. I have another workout that my best friend Rachel did that helped her lose and keep off a bunch of weight. I have done it before and although it will also make me sore it isn't as hard on my joints. I think I will start with that on Sunday and work my way up to the shred. I can't live with this much pain when I have 2 kids to take care of.

Transformation Begins

Adam and I have been doing some serious talking about how to get back into shape. I am beyond out of shape. Honestly I was a little shocked when I saw these pictures. In my mind I am not as fat as I look in these pictures. I need to make a change and hopefully by publicly humiliating myself with pictures in my skin tight work out clothes every 10-15 days I will not give up like I always do. I want to get healthy for my children and I want to get sexy for Adam. So today marks Day 1 of my transformation. I did the shred that everyone has been talking about. My legs felt like jello and I only made it half way through but at least it is a start. I had a really hard time even doing the jumping jacks. I mean seriously they are jumping jacks and I could barely handle it. I found myself having some serious words with Jillian in my head and a lot of them involved the f-bomb. Eve was my cheerleader through the whole thing and kept telling me when I wasn't doing it like they were on the TV. This week I am starting by adding the workout and next week we will work on eating healthier. I think this is going to be good for our family.

Helping those in need.

Every Friday my parents go to a fish fry at the local Knights of Columbus. The one thing I really miss about Wisconsin/Illinois is the great food. Honestly it is hard to find good food down here. The fish fry reminds me of Wisconsin so although Adam is allergic to fish I occasionally ditch him and pack up the kids and go with my parents. Last Friday I went along and on the table they had information about a spaghetti dinner in hopes to raise money for a family in need. Their daughter is in need of a heart transplant. She is 4 the same age as my Eve. All I could think about was what if that was Eve. I love her so much and can't fathom the strength this family will need in coming months and years.

Gabriella is the little girl and she is seriously adorable. Even though I have never met this family I want to get the word out to as many people as possible. If you feel compelled to help them financially there is a place on their blog page to make a donation. Please keep this family in your prayers.

3 Weeks

Milo is 3 weeks old today. He is getting so big and he is a total cuddler. He totally has me wrapped around his little finger just like his big sister. He loves to try and look at Eve and when she is around and he hears her voice he turns his head to try and find her. They have become totally smitten with one another.

Newborn Sleep

So on Thursday night Milo woke up at 12am, 2am, 4:30am, 6:45am, and 10 am.

Last night he woke up at 2am and 6am.

He usually wakes up at 12am, 3:30am, 6:45am, 9:45am.

(Thank God that Eve sleeps until 10 am everyday)

Guess which night Adam took care of him? And to top it off I had to kick Adam out of bed both times because he was so passed out he didn't hear him crying.

Honestly though I can't complain because at least he goes right back to sleep after I feed him and I don't really feel sleep deprived I would just like a continuous night of sleep.

Weight Check.

Yesterday I had to take Milo to the Dr. to get a weight check because he was 9 lbs when he was born and was down to 8lbs 7oz when we went to the Dr last week. Well he now weighs 9lbs 7.5 oz. The kid gained a whole freaking pound in a week. I love my chunker. The Dr. said he was looking great.

I played Wii fit for the first time since about 3 weeks before I had Milo. I put on 19 lbs with him and so far have lost at least 26 lbs. I tried on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans and they fit although I have a bit of a muffin top. My tummy is still like a bowl full of jelly but Adam was "mad" that I lost the weight so fast. He on the other hand lost 2 of his 30 lbs. (Yup he gained 30 lbs while I was pregnant.) I can't wait to start working out and dieting for real.

Happy 2 week birthday Milo!

Sisterhood Award

Thanks to Jaime for this award.

Jaime always know how to put a smile on my face by being a goof ball yet she is super compassionate and strong. I have cried with her and laughed with her and am proud to have "met" her.

Here are the guidelines for this award:

1) Put the logo on your blog or post.

2) Nominate at least 5 blogs with great attitude and/or gratitude. Be sure to link to your nominees in your post.

3) Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog.

4) Be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Forever&Always...No Matter What

Geek Incubator

My Ramblings

Gossamer Wings

Hoping and Wishing

Things I love.

His spiky hair

That he holds his hand just like me.

There is nothing more precious than watching your husband snuggle your child.

That she has gotten so smart. She totally played a Yo Gabba Gabba game without any help.

Words.

Eve wants Milo to talk. She is obsessed with teaching him words. She decided to teach him to say love so everytime he is awake she comes over to him and says, "LLLOOOVVVVEEE!" for like a minute straight. Then looks at me and says, "He needs to learn how to say love."

Tonight she realized he couldn't say her name either so she decided to add "EEEVVVEEE" to the rotation of words.

She is such a silly girl and I love her so much.

The big sister.

(Excuse the messy hair we had just gotten finished dancing around the house.)

Eve has been an amazing big sister so far. She loves to help out by getting me a diaper or making a bottle. She gives him kisses all the time. We have been trying really hard to give her extra attention and let her know we still love her so much. Well on Friday she spent the night at my parents (she would live there if we let her.) On Saturday we came and she asked why we brought Milo with us. I figured she was just being a goof because when I questioned her on it she skipped off to play with her toys. Well today I was complementing her on what a great big sister she is because she helped me by putting a blanket on Milo so he wouldn't get cold. She turns to me and says, "I don't want to be the big sister anymore." When I asked her why she didn't want to be a big sister and her response was that she wanted him to go back in my tummy. I think the jealousy has kicked in a little bit.

Happy Mother's Day!

My loves!

A day to celebrate!

Milo is one week old today!

I officially graduate with my Masters in Educational Technology. We decided to not go to the ceremon because it is 4 hours there, at least a 3 hour ceremony, 4hours back. Spending 11 hours out of the house where we don't really do anything is really not all that exciting. I purchased the cap and gown so I will just have Adam take pictures of me. Because really the graduation ceremony is just a chance to take pictures and I don't need to spend 11 hours getting that done.

Adam gave me the best present and woke up with Milo all last night (he only woke twice). I got 8 hours of sleep. It was amazing. I love my husband.

My husband the comedian.

First an update-Milo's levels are still slightly elevated but not enough for the blanket. Just keep with the formula and have him sleep by a window in his diaper. Hopefully he gets better soon. He seems so much better since switching him to formula so hopefully he continues to improve.

Back to the title of this post. So I put the cabbage in my bra (and I totally stank.) I went to take a nap and when I woke up Eve came in wearing this shirt.

and Adam says to me, "Is the cabbage ready because I am making corn beef for dinner."

Haha very funny....Not!

Dr. Appt Update

Took Milo to the Dr. today and he was 8lbs 7oz., 21.5 inches, and head circumference of 13 in. We had to take him for another serum test for the jaundice because it doesn't seem to be getting better but that could be because of the whole feeding fiasco from yesterday. Should find out the results this afternoon. If they are still high we have to go get a biliblanket and if the are average we just need to keep feeding him and get the boy some sun. I feel bad for giving him sun though because it is already over 100 degrees here. The Dr. seemed very supportive of our decision to formula feed. I am off to nap because the lack of sleep and my engorged breasts have made tired. Hopefully I can sleep through the cabbage stench (used to relieve the engorgement.)

A bump in the road

Today my totally awesome breastfeeder decided to become a total pain in the behind. Starting at 3:30 am he just refused to go the breast. I got maybe 10 minutes of milking in over the course of an hour. Both of us were exhausted over the fight. We both passed out and I was awoken by a gentle cry at 8:30am. Another fight ensued over going to the breast. He stopped crying but refused to latch so I figured when he got hungry enough he would cry and we would try again. He fell asleep at around 10:00 and kept sleeping. I tried to wake him again at noon but he just fought me again on going to the breast. At this point I was starting to worry about him. He hadn't really eaten since 3:30 am and was sleeping pretty much nonstop. We called the Dr. and the Dr. said to give him a bottle because he might just be to tired to try and eat from the breast. I went to the bedroom and pumped and Adam feed it to him in a bottle. I felt like a total failure. As Adam fed him the bottle I sobbed. Things had started out so perfectly with him. My milk even came in without any pain because he was nursing so frequently. I had all these flashbacks of what it was like with Eve. I felt the resentment towards my pump. Was my breast milk not good enough? I was mad that our perfectness was over. I had felt like supermom and now I am just a mom. I was sad that he didn't want to bond with me over the breast. Even after the bottle of breast milk we were seeing little improvement in his alertness. Adam and I got into an argument where some not so nice things were said to him and I don't even know why. He has been so supportive and even knew when he walked into the room and saw me sobbing away knew exactly why I was so upset. After going back and forth all day about what I wanted to do I came to decision. We are going to formula feed. I refuse to let breastfeeding make me such an emotional wreck and I refuse to let it dictate my relationship with my son. We will still bond it will just be over a bottle instead and now he can bond with it with his father too. I am still a little sad over not continuing breastfeeding but I refuse to pump full time and I don't want to deal with all of my emotional baggage that comes with breastfeeding every time we hit a bump in the road. I want to enjoy every last second of my time off with him and I am not going to waste anymore energy on being unhappy. After 3 bottles of formula my son has regained his energy and is sitting and staring at me looking super happy and that makes me one happy mommy.

Birth Story

Starting on Friday I was having pretty bad back pain and an occasional contraction. Overall I was just uncomfortable but thought it was just more false labor or Braxton Hicks contractions because I had been getting them almost every night for 2 weeks. So I took Eve to my dad’s house and we went to a fish fry. Eve wanted to spend the night with her best friend (my dad) so we left her there. Adam and I stayed up late playing the Wii. He went to bed at midnight. I stayed up until about 2:30 am. I went to bed and woke up at 5am feeling like I was peeing myself. I told Adam, “Either I just totally pissed myself or my water broke. I need towels now.” As he rushed to shove a towel between my legs I had another huge tidal wave come through. They told me I had extra amniotic fluid but I guess I never realized how much. I ran/waddled my way to the restroom and took a shower while Adam stripped the bed and started packing the hospital bag. The contractions were starting to come a little closer together but they were totally bearable. I got dressed and threw on a pad. I sat down on the couch to add a couple of songs to my Ipod and felt another gush. I stood up and it completely soaked threw my pad and there was a huge puddle on the ground. I ran to the bathroom and Adam cleaned up the mess and brought me a new change of clothes. I got dressed again and out the door we went. I had Adam put a garbage bag on my seat because as we were getting off the exit I had another huge gush and it looked like I peed my pants again. Luckily the hospital was pretty dead because they lost my registration and I had to run through all the information with them. They sent me right to triage and as I got in our little room I had another huge gush and left a huge puddle on the ground. I changed and they checked me. I was 5cm and the contractions were starting to get more painful. I was BGS+ so they started penicillin and as they were putting in the IV I had another huge gush. It seriously sounded like someone turned the faucet on and so much came out that it started running down the side of the bed (all the bedding was soaked through completely.) Once I had all my IVs hooked up I went to the labor room. The anesthesiologist came in as we were still getting settled so I decided to get an epidural right away. The contractions were still manageable but were becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I had the epidural around 7am. Adam and I laid around watching movies. They kept coming to check on me and I was progressing pretty consistently. By 12pm I was 10 cm and he was sitting pretty low. The nurse called Dr. K to see what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to practice pushing. I practiced for 2 sets of contractions and he was coming down and was pretty much ready to come out. The nurse called Dr. K and that I was ready. I had to gently push to keep his head down but couldn’t push all the way until the Dr came. The Dr. got there at 12:45 and we started pushing around 12:55. I pushed through 2 more sets of contractions and he was here at 1:11pm. He was super healthy and I only needed 3 stitches for a superficial tear. Honestly his birth was so easy. I feel great and recovery has been awesome. I have a bit of a backache that won’t go away but overall I feel awesome. Milo is an awesome baby and only cries when he is hungry and is breastfeeding like a champ. He is so much different than Eve was. He makes being a mom so easy. Eve has been a little attention starved but overall is adjusting well. I am in love with my family. I feel like I am floating on cloud 9.

Milo is here!

Introducing Milo Finn.

5.2.09

9lbs

20.75 inches

Everyone is doing wonderful.

Birth story to come once we get home.

38 weeks 4 days.

I have been having back pain and contractions on and off all day. I really just want this show on the road already. All the false hope is making me miserable. I just wish my water would break so I would know already. I don't even care about being uncomfortable at this point. I actually feel pretty good besides the backache but even that I can live with knowing what a real contraction is like. I am officially a day more pregnant than I got with Eve. She was born at 38 weeks 3 days. Isn't the second kid supposed to come earlier? Apparently Milo is on his own little schedule and will be stubborn like me. I also have a really bad case of insomnia lately and can't seem to go to bed before 2:30 am. I think I am just excited and have so much anticipation that I have to wait to go to bed until I literally pass out.

38 week appt.

Well I had my appointment today. Everything is looking great. His head is lower and locked into position. I am 4-4.5 cm and 65% effaced. I will get induced a week from today. I will start the induction May 7th at night (I need to call to set up a time.) and depending how quickly labor goes have him the 7th or 8th at the latest. She isn't sure I'll make it that far but said she actually is surprised I have made it as far as I have so we will wait and see. I am so excited that in about a week (or less) I will be meeting my big handsome baby boy.

2nd Opinion u/s

Today we had a second opinion u/s done. I am very thankful our Dr. allowed us to get one final look at him. He was measuring at 8lbs 4oz. So he is still big but we are feeling more comfortable in the idea of having an induction over a c/s. I totally understand it doesn't mean I won't end up with a c/s but the idea that I can comfortably say I am at least willing to try and have him vaginally makes me feel so much better. I called an left a message for the Dr. that we are interested in an induction for as soon as she thinks is safe. He is going to be a chunky little monkey but he is cute for sure. I saw him doing practice breathing and his what appear to be ginormous feet being grabbed by his chubby little hand. He looks as though he has a lot of hair and I could see it floating around. Now hurry up Milo and make your entrance so we can meet you!

The beginning fears.

Disclaimer: What I am about to share took me a long time to realize and is not my proudest of memories but it is what happened. This is going to be really really long.

Eve's pregnancy was really hard on me physically and emotionally. Probably not more than a normal person but it wasn't all sunshine and daisies like I thought it would be. I felt so overworked and overwhelmed that all I wanted to do was to get some sleep before she came. I dreamed of getting a good restful sleep. I decided to take off 2 weeks before my due date to get her things in order and more importantly get some extra sleep. I figured I would get at least 2 weeks if not more to accomplish all the tasks I had set forth. Well on my very first day off of work my water broke at 5 am. All my plans for some leisure time were thrown out the window. We went to the hospital and Eve was born at 3:42am the next day. I was in labor for about 23 hours and was exhausted. I spiked a fever right after having her so I was put on antibiotics and they wouldn't let me breastfeed her right away because I was in pretty bad shape (I was shaking from chills and kind of was in and out of consciousness.) They ended up giving her a bottle before I was given the opportunity to breastfeed. When it came time for me to breastfeed Eve wanted no part of it. She refused to be placed into any sort of position to be breastfed and whenever there was a boob in her face it would result in an all out meltdown. I had lactation consultants try and help and nothing was working. I wanted to breastfeed so desperately. We tried to get her on the boob the whole time I was in the hospital but it just wasn't happening. I decided to start pumping and supplement when needed with formula. While we were in the hospital I got next to no sleep because I had the IV in my hand the whole time and honestly that was the worst part of my recovery because it hurt so bad. Eve slept pretty well while we were in the hospital. We came home a loving family and I was so happy to be out of the hospital. When we got home I was pumping every 2 hours for 20 minutes in hopes of getting enough milk to not have to supplement and to help ease my engorgement. I felt like I was being strangled by my enormous breasts. Eve decided to go from sleepy all day baby to inconsolable all day where nothing makes me happy not eating, rocking, cuddling, gas drops, or a clean diaper. She wouldn't nap longer than 20 minutes and she had to have every light on and the TV on to hopefully stay calm enough to sleep or just not freak out. We tried everything. Adam and I would take shifts Basically he would take her from the time he walked into the house at 3:30pm-12am. I would try to sleep during that time but I still needed to pump every 2 hours, eat dinner, and I was desperate to spend time with him. I felt like a walking zombie and there were times I seriously had to put Eve down and go in another room and scream my head off just to let the frustration get out. This went on for 2 months. I wasn't sure if we were going to survive. I loved her more than anything but this was more than I had bargained for. Well when she was 2 months old she went 10 days without pooping. I was constantly talking to the Dr. office about what to do because my already fussy baby was getting worse. On top of all of this my breasts started hurting so bad I couldn't even walk because brushing my arm against them would make me start to cry. I continued to pump through the tears thinking it was just a clogged duct but as the pain became so unbearable we packed up and went to the hospital (because of course this all came to a head on a Saturday.) My parents took Eve and we spent 9 hours at the hospital for them to tell me I had mastitis in both breasts. While we waited in the hospital I confessed to Adam that I couldn't stand breastfeeding. I loathed it and wanted to quit. He was really supportive and said it was my decision to make. He was fine with just giving her formula. I had such mixed emotions on it. I went back and forth on the issue. I wanted to quit but I wanted to do what was best for her as well. Well I continued to pump for a few more days but as the mastitis began to clear I got a clogged duct and that was my final straw. I really couldn't do it anymore. Having a happy mommy was more important than being breastfed because I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be to her because I felt so miserable. The night we switched her to formula for good she finally pooped and the next night she slept 8 hours straight. It was a miracle and from that point forward she was a wonderful child and we started to bond.

When I look back at those first few months I am so sad because I don't think I bonded with her like I wanted to and I think I suffered from depression. I was so upset with the fact that I didn't get my time off before she was born. I was upset that I wasn't sleeping. I was upset that she wouldn't go to the breast. I was upset that I had to pump. I was upset that Adam had to go back to work when we had only been home a few days. I was upset that the first months weren't how I dreamed them to be. I have a lot of regret from her first few weeks and although she is a wonderful child I wish I had a better start with her.

With this pregnancy I felt a lot more prepared. I wasn't scared of delivery. I set it up so I could take a month off before he came. Adam would take off more time to help transition (although this might not happen.) I would be ok from the beginning if breastfeeding didn't work out. I would still give it a try but if he didn't latch on I would not guilt myself over it and just go directly to formula. I wouldn't feel bad asking for help from my parents or Adam's parents. I felt like I had a plan for everything that went wrong with Eve so we could have a better and more calm start with Milo. Then I got thrown the curve ball of a possible c/s and I felt those plans starting to fall through and was scared I would have the same really rough start I had with Eve. I don't want to feel regret or resentment towards him since things didn't work out like I planned them to. I know it will all work out in the long run but in the short term I think there might be some struggles. I hope that by realizing these feeling now I will be able to face the challenges that lie ahead. I know that it took me until Eve was almost a year old to realize how miserable I was those first few months and the impact that had on my relationship to Eve and Adam.

God has heard me.

I have some issues that I am constantly working on. Like I am not good at standing up for myself when it comes to medical issues. I also HATE talking on the phone. I am really proud of myself and leaving a message for the Dr about the possibility of a second u/s. I know it might not be a big deal and I said I was going to do that but the fact that I actually followed through on it makes me really proud of myself. Unfortunately the Dr is out of the office today so I won't hear back until tomorrow.

Last night as I lay in bed I was praying that I would go into labor soon so that this decision would be taken out of my hands and placed in God's instead. I fell asleep praying and when I woke up I felt this sense of peace come over me. Even though he didn't answer my prayer in the way I asked he did answer it. I am completely convinced that I just need to let nature take its course and God will take care of us. I still want the other u/s to just get a better idea of what we are facing but I don't think I will schedule a c/s. God made this baby for us and I trust that everything will happen the way it is supposed to and I really have no control over it even if it results in a c/s. I am choosing to enjoy my last moments of this miracle. Baby Milo we can't wait to meet you.

37 week update.

On Thursday we had a growth u/s. He is already measuring 8lbs. 14oz. That is 2 lbs more than Eve was when she was born. She thinks I might have been borderline diabetic and that is why he got so big because I have only gained 17 lbs. I am 3cm and 50% effaced. I was given a few options on what to do since he is so big and Adam and I have been in discussion ever since in regards to the situation. Basically the options given to us were:

1.) Wait to go into labor naturally or get induced around 5/5 and see what happens which after 9 lbs my dr. recommends a c/s due to the risk of baby getting stuck (which gives me until Monday approx. to not have a 9 lb kid.)
2.) Get an amnio done to see if his lungs are fully developed and induce on Monday which could result in a c/s.
3.) Schedule a c/s for sometime after 5/5.

Obviously at this point we are not going with option number 2. Amnio scares me so we won't go with that. Adam is really scared about something happening to me or the baby and is voting for the c/s even though both of us are having a hard time believing he is so big. Maybe I am just in denial but I don't feel like I am carrying a huge baby. I honestly have been much more comfortable this time around. I really really really don't want a c/s. I mean if that is the only way to have him fine but I would like to try for a vaginal delivery. So I think last night we finally made a plan of action that will make us both feel a little more comfortable. If I don't go into labor by Monday I will call the Dr. and ask for another u/s to be done at a different location. I know she might not agree with me but a c/s is a major surgery and if I was ever faced with surgery I would want a second opinion so therefore I think it is fair for me to say let me get another look at this baby and see how rapidly he is growing and if the second u/s tech agrees with the firsts estimate of his weight. From there we would reassess the situation and make a decision about what to do. I want a healthy baby more than anything but I also don't want to have a surgery that I will regret especially if they are off in his measurements.

This whole situation has been eating me up inside since Thursday and I feel robbed of being able to enjoy the last part of my pregnancy. I am all for u/s but I think in this case I would have almost rather been ignorant because I seriously have cried over this everyday. I have super mixed emotions on it. I know that there are worse things that could happen than a c/s but this is not how I pictured the outcome of this pregnancy and I have issues with things not going how I planned them in my head and I know this is totally my issue and God is probably just using this as an example for me to trust in him what will be best and I am trying and praying about it that I can let go of control and let God decide. I am most scared about what will happen both physically and emotionally postpartum wise if I do end up with a c/s but I will blog about that at a later time.