A day.

After school we got the news I had been expecting for some time now. They are, contemplating, meaning they are going to close our school. We will get transferred to other schools if there are openings. I feel bad for our students because they are closing our school basically the parents won't stand up and fight for them like the more affluent schools in our district even though they have way lower enrollment than us. I don't like that I probably won't know until May where I might be. I hope I don't end up getting split between schools. I also will most likely not get to teach the 7th grade accelerated students if I end up at a Junior High and I really don't have the desire to teach 7th or 8th general anymore. I wonder if I will get to move to the high school which would be my preferred choice. I really wonder where I will go and would like to make that decision sooner than later so I can prepare my move. I am not looking forward to all the conversations I will need to have with my students as they struggle to make sense of what is going to happen next year. I just want to teach and be there for my students but there are some days I feel like there are so many obstacles I just can't do what I need to.

Usually a day like would lead to a lot of whining on my part but I am to the point of just embracing what is happening and trying to make the best of the situation.

Mom of the year.

Adam and I were sitting at the table eating grilled Velvetta cheese sandwiches and Adam was saying it is too bad Eve doesn't like cheese because they were really yummy. Right after that Eve came over to ask what we were eating. I told her Velvetta sandwiches and she said she wanted a bite. We gave her some and she liked it. Then she asked what Velvetta was and I told her it was meat because if I told her it was cheese she would never eat it again. So now the joke is that we eat Velvetta meat sandwiches.

Other than that I have just been really busy with work and just don't feel like I will ever catch up. Work has had a lot of up and downs and I am trying to roll with the punches and keep a positive attitude.

Work Mornings.

So I head back to work tomorrow. I am not especially looking forward to it. I am going to have to drop the kids off at different places which means my already hectic mornings are going to be even more rushed. I did a trial run of how my morning would work. Here is what I think I am going to need to do. First of all everything needs to be packed and ready to go the night before and clothes need to be laid out because there is like zero time to mess around.

4:45-5:30-Work out.
5:30-6:00-Shower and Dressed.
6:00-6:15-Get Milo dressed and fed.
6:15-6:30-Get Eve up and ready.

My DH gets up at 5:45 to get ready and out of the house by 6. I foresee a little arguing that will ensue in the mornings if he doesn't shape up. First of all he gave me a hard time because I got the mirror foggy while I took a shower because he needed to get ready for work. Second Milo started fussing this morning while I was working out. Not a huge deal. A couple of quick jaunts to his room and a pacifier fix later and he is all better. Well as I am trying to finish my makeup Adam is getting ready to leave and Milo is fussing again. I ask Adam to give Milo his pacifier so that I can finish getting dressed. His response I am trying to get ready to leave. Really... and starting tomorrow what do you think I am going to do???? I seriously will bite his head off if he says that to me tomorrow. I am sorry that I need his help but for Pete's sake if you can't get ready because I need your freaking help wake up 5 minutes earlier. If it continues I am pretty sure that Adam will be going to work late one day and getting himself and both kids ready and off to their respective places for just one morning. It is a total freaking pain. I hate being rushed and I hate trying to get Eve ready in the morning. She will fight me tooth and nail the whole morning and it seems that Milo is going to do the same thing since he has done nothing but whine since he got up. And I swear if he cries the whole 30 minute ride to daycare I might just lose it. I honestly wouldn't mind going to work each day if my mornings weren't so rushed. When your morning starts off feeling like you are spinning out of control it makes for a crappy day all around.

Sick.

I am super sick. I have a headache that won't go away. I seriously think I could sleep for a month straight. I am calling the Dr. first thing tomorrow. I was fine until yesterday and now I seriously feel sooo sick. It couldn't come at a worse time. The last week before winter vacation is only the most hectic unbearable time. At least I am done Christmas shopping so I don't have that added stress. I hope I start feeling better soon. I think I am going to stay home tomorrow. I can barely even function right now and I am not sure I am up to dealing with 150 7th graders who are all in the last minute rush to get their grades up which means they are all super duper needy.

I told.

So I told my principal today. She seemed pretty supportive and said that another teacher at my work is having the same issues I am. I wish she would see that this schedule is really nonsense. I came home from work today and took a 2 hour nap. I now need to do homework so I am sure I will be up for awhile. Only 2 more days of work this week and then I get a break!!! I am so freaking excited. I can't wait to sleep all day. To bad my mom is going out of town so I can't pawn Eve off on her so I can catch up a little on my sleep.

Work.

I am having a really hard time at work. I get so exhausted in the afternoon. I often feel very sick either I get nauseous or I get a really bad headache. I can't take anything for the headache because it makes me feel even sicker. I always want to lie down. My body just can't take working 9 hour days. My day is 1st period, 2nd prep, 3rd period, lunch, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th. Each class is an hour long. So I go 4 hours without getting a break. I am having a hard time even going to the bathroom in between classes because I am always busy. It is no wonder how I got a UTI. I am just not really sure how much longer I can do this. I am really hoping I feel better during the 2nd tri because if I don't this is going to be a really rough year. I have never felt more tired in all my life. I slept almost all weekend and could still sleep right now. I wish I could have 30 minutes in the afternoon to just lie down. I know I am being a baby but I seriously am really freaking tired and dealing with 30 kids every hour is stressful when you aren't feeling good. My students must think I am a hypochondriac because I am always not feeling well. These are the times I wish I worked a normal job where I could get a slightly lessened workload so that I could feel better. Just 30 minutes in the afternoon to myself would make a huge difference. I haven't told my principal yet that I am expecting and I am sure she won't be very supportive of what I am going through. My work is so stressful. Our principal is uber strict and I have to have my students engaged at all times. I know I should have them engaged but when you feel on the verge of puking yet never do it is hard to keep focused on anything but making sure you don't puke. I just don't see how she can accommodate my needs. I just want to feel like a normal person and not be so stung out at work. On top of it all I want to do when I get home is sleep and yet I have homework to do for my classes. I never got this tired or exhausted or nauseous with Eve so this was a little unexpected. I think I might have to tell my principal this week and pray that she will understand how I am feeling and be at least sympathetic towards me.

New symptoms?

So I have had a bit of nausea on and off for the first week after I found out. Then it went away except when I ate a ham and egg sandwich at Adam's parents house and literally almost threw up half way through. Well tonight I think that awful feeling has returned. My head freaking hurts and my stomach feels like it is going to do inverse operations. It started late this afternoon and I think I am going to have to give up gum because that was seemed to trigger the stomach ache. I tried 3 different flavors and they all made me feel sick. I love gum so this might be hard. What took the nausea to a whole new level was for dinner we had shrimp salad but my mom added a bit of egg to it and guess what? That feeling I got at Adam's parents house has returned and won't go away.
On a side note teaching junior high and being pregnant is really hard. I have this student who loves to wear AXE...you know the proper way they show in the commercial to wear it is to spray the entire can in one sitting. I have already yelled at him 3 times for doing this. It isn't just that he freaking stinks but the fact that he does sprays that crap in my classroom so that I can smell it literally across the room. I have already laid into him about it and not in the nice caring teacher way, in the I will embarrass the crap out of you way. Well today I seriously almost lost my cool completely. I think I laid into him for like 10 minutes about it and then made him stand by the door with the door open so that he would air out for the entire class period. My super smeller cannot handle this and I don't want to let the kiddos know that I am pregnant yet so I can't use that as an excuse but I seriously almost threw up from the smell.
So new symptoms include: super smeller, nausea, and serious bitch.

My Sweetie.

Every morning this week Eve has woken up with me. She is so happy and sweet in the morning. As I rush around getting ready she pops out of bed and says, "Good Morning Mommy!" In the most cheerful voice you can imagine. I am a total crank in the morning and it totally puts me in a great mood to see her so happy. We hang out for a while and she follows me around while I get ready creating a gate at every door so I have to give her a kiss to get through. Then as I head to work she tells me to stay home with her. When I tell her I have to go to work she tells me to take her heart with me, and then tells me to bring home a present from my work. (which usually is a bottle of water or lemonade) Seriously I almost have left the house in tears every morning this week. I need to win the lotto so I can stay home. I love my sweet munchkin so much.

Today.

Today was interesting for sure. First there was no air conditioning in my classroom today. It rained last night so imagine a day spent with 25-30 kids and it is 100 degrees and super humid. It rained this morning which made the humidity unbearable. So I finally found a classroom with air conditioning that I could move my class to. This classroom was not much cooler than mine but the air was on. I wore a sweater to school today because it has been really cold in my classroom lately. On my way to the new classroom I totally tripped and am now missing a chunk out of my hand, arm, and knees. I also scratched the crap out of my favorite shoes. The kids were so sweet and helped me get all the things I dropped and one ran to the nurse to get me a band aide and something to clean my major scratch on the back of my hand. Eve helped me super clean and bandage it once I got home. I thought she was going to start crying as I sprayed the lanacane on it because I couldn't stop swearing it hurt so freaking bad. It says on the label cools & soothes instantly. My ass it does. It should say something more like "Burns like a Bitch but you won't get any diseases from this one." I am totally freaking out now because bad things always come in threes. I am feeling a little crampy tonight so I am scared AF is going to be early again I hope I am wrong but I think Adam and I just didn't have great timing this month. If I am not pregnant this month it should make for an interesting trip to Wisconsin because my fertile time falls close to that weekend. We have to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room at Adam's parents house because they are moving.

Work Update Part 2.

We had another surprise meeting this morning to talk about what was going on with the schedules. The whole thing is a total mess and I am honestly so sick over it. My work has decided to go against my personal beliefs in teaching. All I can say about the whole situation is that I feel sorry for our students. I can't even begin to describe how wrong our school is. I have said my piece and no one will listen to me simply because it is too much work even though deep down I think everyone knows I am right. Maybe I am to much of an idealist but honestly I am just sticking up for the kids because God knows that no one else is. I am seriously so disappointed. Today put the nail in the coffin for me and I will be leaving at the end of the year. I can't continue to work somewhere that goes completely against my educational philosophy. I will continue to push on with my students but all buy in to the school is gone completely.

Work Update.

Well the good news is currently we are not losing any teachers but the bad news is that they want to create a study skills classes in place of the small classes. Mathematically it makes no sense because if you aren't getting rid of anybody or any sections but just rearranging where the students are then it will just make the classes you are taking the students from smaller. Shuffling the students doesn't make the problem disappear. It simply makes the problem shift from one teacher to another. This whole thing is stupid. What needs to happen is she needs to get rid of some extended contracts. We all have to work an extra hour. I think they need someone who can think logically about the schedule in there trying to get this crap straightened out. I think it is ridiculous that 3 weeks into the school year we have to keep messing with the schedule to make it work and it is going to take at least another week for this mess to unfold into another mess. I feel so bad for our students because they are going to have to give up their elective to take this class. So next week I will be teaching this study skills class and honestly it is a joke and I am not going to put any extra effort into the class. Just what I wanted to do this year was teach a made up class with no curriculum. Thanks a lot. I now have one foot out the door and it is going to take something pretty big to keep me at my current school next year.

A mini vent

Today seemed to be a day where there were a lot of rough patches. First of all I sat through my 4th straight morning meeting and this one there were a whole lot of rude and obnoxious teachers who don't seem to understand manners or listening. Upon the return to my classroom after the second bell and all the kids sitting outside my room waiting patiently I got everyone in and settled (I have great students) and checked my voicemail. I will be having another meeting tomorrow before school. So in 5 days I will have had 6 meetings outside of school hours. Tomorrow's meeting will take the cake. The implied topic is that we have to cut teachers. Our enrollment is down and I think we will have to lose a teacher. Who knew that adding an extra hour for all teachers would mean we need one less teacher? Oh that would be me, but apparently I am the only one who knew how to do the math. So I feel really bad that this is going to happen and then I feel really selfish because I don't want to have to have my schedule all overturned 3 weeks into the school year. I am really frustrated also that next week I have to give up 2 full days of instruction for some random crap that we have to go over with the students. I have a crap ton of stuff to teach my students and I can't afford to give up instructional days. Anyway enough work. I am trying to stay positive and uninvolved so I don't get all bent out of shape. Did I mention I start my own classes next week when all of this change will take place.

Today one of my students started telling me about how there were 4 kids in her family but her older brother died when he was born because the umbilical cord was around his neck. Then all the other students started telling me about how their parents have had multiple miscarriages. I held it together during this whole discussion and didn't show any sign of my own. I am really proud of myself. Then later I had some students come visit that I had 4 years ago and they were telling me how almost all the kids from our school have kids now except for the kids in the AVID program who have all done well. It was hard to hear about the 15+ teens they know who are pregnant or already have a baby. Some of them have already had multiple pregnancies and these kids are only 16-17. It really breaks my heart. So overall today has been a little crazy and I am happy to be at home and am looking forward to having a nice stiff drink tomorrow.

A tiny vent (TMI).

This period is very similar to my m/c and it is making me depressed. I can't wait until it is over because there are huge clots and I feel so exhausted. I wish I could just sleep through all of this but unfortunately I have to work. On the positive side I am not totally hating work yet. I can't wait to start setting up my classroom tomorrow even though it is going to be a lot of work. I miss my friends but I am able to get a lot done because I won't spend all my time chatting with them.

The end is here.

I go back to work tomorrow so my summer vacation is over. I am really sad about it. I will miss spending my days goofing around and being lazy. I will really miss spending time with Eve. She has been my ray of sunshine all summer. She always knows how to make me happy. I will miss the million kisses I get during the day. I am not looking forward to working 9 hours a day and waking up at 5:30 am. I am not a morning person at all. I am not looking forward to only spending 3 hours a weekday with Eve while she is awake. I wish I could stay home. Never before have I ever wanted to be a stay at home mom but I would do anything to make that happen but I know it is not possible. Maybe next year I can work from home. We will have to see what the future holds for us.

On another sad note. I am not pregnant this month. Of course I started spotting tonight and that means I will have my period full force for my first day back at work. On the brighter side my period is a few days early so that by the weekend it should be gone which means that hopefully I can enjoy some loving on my anniversary. I can't wait until Friday so we can get out of town and just spend time the two of us.

So goodbye summer and goodbye cycle #2. May God teach me grace to accept what the past has held and openness to what the future brings. I hope I can stay positive because it will be a rough week and I want to conquer it not the other way around.

Unexpected

Today I got a call from my school. I never heard the phone ring but checked my voicemail and I got a message from the principal at my school. Somehow she found out about the miscarriage and called to give her condolences and said if I needed anything to just let her know. I am really shocked. She is not the most sympathetic lady in the world so it was kind of nice to get the message.