Today.

Today was interesting for sure. First there was no air conditioning in my classroom today. It rained last night so imagine a day spent with 25-30 kids and it is 100 degrees and super humid. It rained this morning which made the humidity unbearable. So I finally found a classroom with air conditioning that I could move my class to. This classroom was not much cooler than mine but the air was on. I wore a sweater to school today because it has been really cold in my classroom lately. On my way to the new classroom I totally tripped and am now missing a chunk out of my hand, arm, and knees. I also scratched the crap out of my favorite shoes. The kids were so sweet and helped me get all the things I dropped and one ran to the nurse to get me a band aide and something to clean my major scratch on the back of my hand. Eve helped me super clean and bandage it once I got home. I thought she was going to start crying as I sprayed the lanacane on it because I couldn't stop swearing it hurt so freaking bad. It says on the label cools & soothes instantly. My ass it does. It should say something more like "Burns like a Bitch but you won't get any diseases from this one." I am totally freaking out now because bad things always come in threes. I am feeling a little crampy tonight so I am scared AF is going to be early again I hope I am wrong but I think Adam and I just didn't have great timing this month. If I am not pregnant this month it should make for an interesting trip to Wisconsin because my fertile time falls close to that weekend. We have to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room at Adam's parents house because they are moving.

Something I need to work on.

I am just beginning to realize how much I covet things. This usually starts with me being judgmental and then turns into full on jealousy followed by more judgments. I feel like a terrible person when I act this way. So here I will be completely honest and you can see how big of a douche I am. I have never understood how people could handle having their kids close together in age. I think it is ridiculous when someone gets pregnant within a year after the first. Why you might ask? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I didn't have a sibling close in age. I can't afford to have two close together. Eve was a royal pain in the behind for the first couple of months and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that plus another kid that is not capable of taking care of themselves. The first kid didn't captivate their attention enough that they need to add another one right away. Is this a stupid reasoning? I am sure and I don't understand at why I feel this way. So there is my first judgement. It is stupid and I tell myself the other side of each of those arguments but they don't seem to sink through. Today on BOTB someone announced their BFP and I seriously felt my heart drop. Her family seems so perfect and her first child is completely beautiful and yet I am such a douche that honestly I feel sick that it happened so easy for her. Her perfect family is going to get more perfect. I am jealous. I am sorry that I feel this way but I do. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to and yet God left me with a scar in my heart and a fear that I am never going to get the perfect family. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because honestly I know there are a lot of ladies that would do anything to have the beautiful daughter I already have. We haven't even been trying for #2 that long but I am sad that I had a miscarriage and I know this whole other situation is unrelated but I want my perfect family and I wish I could stop feeling this way. I am sure tomorrow I will be really happy for her but right now I need to just try and think positive thoughts because the negatives are making the person I don't want to be.

Work Update Part 2.

We had another surprise meeting this morning to talk about what was going on with the schedules. The whole thing is a total mess and I am honestly so sick over it. My work has decided to go against my personal beliefs in teaching. All I can say about the whole situation is that I feel sorry for our students. I can't even begin to describe how wrong our school is. I have said my piece and no one will listen to me simply because it is too much work even though deep down I think everyone knows I am right. Maybe I am to much of an idealist but honestly I am just sticking up for the kids because God knows that no one else is. I am seriously so disappointed. Today put the nail in the coffin for me and I will be leaving at the end of the year. I can't continue to work somewhere that goes completely against my educational philosophy. I will continue to push on with my students but all buy in to the school is gone completely.

This Weekend.

This weekend has been really blah and I wish I could have one more day off.
Yesterday Eve went to Disneyland with my parents. I miss her but honestly it is nice to have a break from her. She was being a stinker this morning I guess and wouldn't do anything that my parents wanted.
We went to see DMB last night. It was an ok concert but I would have liked if they had play a few more popular songs. I knew 3 songs all night and 1 of those was Burning Down the House which isn't even by them. I think the concert would have been 110% better if it was at an indoor stadium. We were supposed to have great seats but they ended up being way off to the side and they only had a video on the main part of the stage and we couldn't see it. I am not sure why they didn't project their videos onto the 2 side screens which would have made it better. I was surrounded by giants. My DH is 6'1" and everyone around us was even taller than him. I am 5'2" and I couldn't see over anyone. It was still 100 degrees when we got in the car to go home. I seriously have never been so hot in my entire life. I felt hungover today even though I didn't drink last night and had about 10 bottles of water. I will never go to another concert there again unless I can sit in the middle and it is during winter time. The best part was getting felt up as you walked through the gates. They pat down everyone totally cops style. They have a separate line for girls and boys and they make you empty your pockets and then caress your whole body. It was great.

Today Adam and I had to take our cats to the humane society. It was really sad. We have been trying for 6 months to find someone else to take them and every time we get someone lined up it fell through. We are out of options. They seriously are the sweetest cats and I hope they get adopted. I am trying to not think about what else could happen to them but it is hard. They can't live with us because my mom is allergic to them. If you are reading this please don't judge me because I feel terrible but it was our only option. I will never get another pet because I don't ever want to have to make a choice like that again. I feel like a total douche.

On a good note Adam and I made a fabulous dinner. I love spending time with just him. It was something I totally took for granted before we had Eve.

Work Update.

Well the good news is currently we are not losing any teachers but the bad news is that they want to create a study skills classes in place of the small classes. Mathematically it makes no sense because if you aren't getting rid of anybody or any sections but just rearranging where the students are then it will just make the classes you are taking the students from smaller. Shuffling the students doesn't make the problem disappear. It simply makes the problem shift from one teacher to another. This whole thing is stupid. What needs to happen is she needs to get rid of some extended contracts. We all have to work an extra hour. I think they need someone who can think logically about the schedule in there trying to get this crap straightened out. I think it is ridiculous that 3 weeks into the school year we have to keep messing with the schedule to make it work and it is going to take at least another week for this mess to unfold into another mess. I feel so bad for our students because they are going to have to give up their elective to take this class. So next week I will be teaching this study skills class and honestly it is a joke and I am not going to put any extra effort into the class. Just what I wanted to do this year was teach a made up class with no curriculum. Thanks a lot. I now have one foot out the door and it is going to take something pretty big to keep me at my current school next year.

A mini vent

Today seemed to be a day where there were a lot of rough patches. First of all I sat through my 4th straight morning meeting and this one there were a whole lot of rude and obnoxious teachers who don't seem to understand manners or listening. Upon the return to my classroom after the second bell and all the kids sitting outside my room waiting patiently I got everyone in and settled (I have great students) and checked my voicemail. I will be having another meeting tomorrow before school. So in 5 days I will have had 6 meetings outside of school hours. Tomorrow's meeting will take the cake. The implied topic is that we have to cut teachers. Our enrollment is down and I think we will have to lose a teacher. Who knew that adding an extra hour for all teachers would mean we need one less teacher? Oh that would be me, but apparently I am the only one who knew how to do the math. So I feel really bad that this is going to happen and then I feel really selfish because I don't want to have to have my schedule all overturned 3 weeks into the school year. I am really frustrated also that next week I have to give up 2 full days of instruction for some random crap that we have to go over with the students. I have a crap ton of stuff to teach my students and I can't afford to give up instructional days. Anyway enough work. I am trying to stay positive and uninvolved so I don't get all bent out of shape. Did I mention I start my own classes next week when all of this change will take place.

Today one of my students started telling me about how there were 4 kids in her family but her older brother died when he was born because the umbilical cord was around his neck. Then all the other students started telling me about how their parents have had multiple miscarriages. I held it together during this whole discussion and didn't show any sign of my own. I am really proud of myself. Then later I had some students come visit that I had 4 years ago and they were telling me how almost all the kids from our school have kids now except for the kids in the AVID program who have all done well. It was hard to hear about the 15+ teens they know who are pregnant or already have a baby. Some of them have already had multiple pregnancies and these kids are only 16-17. It really breaks my heart. So overall today has been a little crazy and I am happy to be at home and am looking forward to having a nice stiff drink tomorrow.

KSTDT2.

Kids say the darnedest things will now be referred to as KSTDT.

Adam, Eve, and I are all laying on the couch watching TV and I ask Adam if I can have one of his donuts. He said sure and Eve asked if she could have a little one too (doughnut hole). I said sure we'll get them in a minute. She turned to Adam and said, "Will you get Mommy a big doughnut and me a little doughnut? Mommy and me are lazy." I think I have some bad habits I need to break.

Kids say the darnedest things

Adam and Eve are 2 rooms away from each other so imagine shouting from room to room.
Eve: Daddy.
Adam: This is daddy I can't come to the phone right now please leave a message after the beep.
Eve: Hi Daddy this is Eve in my bedroom could you please get me something to drink?

We were both rolling on the floor laughing.

I am not alone.

So Adam was telling me how today at work there was a guy at work whose wife just had a baby and they came in and showed the baby off to everyone and it made him really sad. This is the first time he has said something made him upset about it. I am glad that he let me know it made him sad because I know that there are still times when I totally think I am ok and then something happens that makes me sad and I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. It really has me choked up right now thinking about him being disappointed but at the same time I know that when we have our next child it will make it that much more sweet. God has his reasons and I trust that God will bless us with another child when it is our time.

Food Baby.

So ever since the beginning of summer Adam has been putting on weight. It is hilarious because he has been twig thin ever since I met him. He eats whatever he wants and never gains an ounce. The only time he put weight on before was when I was pregnant with Eve and as soon as she was born the weight gain stopped. Well I think his body doesn't understand that I am not pregnant anymore because he is still getting bigger. Don't get me wrong I am in no way saying he is getting fat or that he is getting unattractive because I still think he is gorgeous. He is finally beginning to look like a normal person and not anorexic. I keep teasing him about his weight gain by telling him he is having a food baby and then rubbing his stomach. We both giggle and it is done. Well Eve now thinks everyone is having a food baby and we all have to keep eating to get them nice and big. This has helped her kind of deal with the loss (she finally stopped asking at random times why did your baby die? or When are you going to get another baby?) and also helped her start eating better so we kind of let it go. Her new habit though is to talk about food babies all the time and she is very imaginative. She keeps talking about how her food baby is going to come next week and then she keeps pulling up everyones shirt and asking how their food baby is. Then she gives you a raspberry. It is seriously hilarious but I am scared she is going to start doing this outside the house.

Our Anniversary

Our 5th anniversary was on 8.8.08. We went to Sedona for the weekend. It was so beautiful and relaxing. When we arrived it was sunny out and by the time we checked in it was pouring rain. The same thing happened the day we got married and were checking in to the hotel. Most of the pictures are from our balcony. There was the most beautiful full rainbow and in one spot there was a double rainbow. We could see both ends of the rainbow from our room. These pictures don't nearly do justice to how beautiful it is in Sedona.

SIL Update.

My ex-SIL had her open heart surgery on Friday and she is doing well. Thank you for those who prayed for her. Please keep her in your prayers for a smooth recovery.

A tiny vent (TMI).

This period is very similar to my m/c and it is making me depressed. I can't wait until it is over because there are huge clots and I feel so exhausted. I wish I could just sleep through all of this but unfortunately I have to work. On the positive side I am not totally hating work yet. I can't wait to start setting up my classroom tomorrow even though it is going to be a lot of work. I miss my friends but I am able to get a lot done because I won't spend all my time chatting with them.

Prayers Needed.

My brothers ex-wife and mother of my niece has been told she will need open heart surgery very soon. Tomorrow she will have more test done and they will set the date for the surgery. Apparently one of the valves leading to her heart is not right. Most people have a valve that is 3cm and at 5cm it is considered to be very bad. Hers is 8cm. She is only 33. I can't imagine her not being in my nieces life. She is in danger of having a heart attack at any moment. Please pray that she stays healthy until she has the surgery and that the surgery will go smoothly.

The end is here.

I go back to work tomorrow so my summer vacation is over. I am really sad about it. I will miss spending my days goofing around and being lazy. I will really miss spending time with Eve. She has been my ray of sunshine all summer. She always knows how to make me happy. I will miss the million kisses I get during the day. I am not looking forward to working 9 hours a day and waking up at 5:30 am. I am not a morning person at all. I am not looking forward to only spending 3 hours a weekday with Eve while she is awake. I wish I could stay home. Never before have I ever wanted to be a stay at home mom but I would do anything to make that happen but I know it is not possible. Maybe next year I can work from home. We will have to see what the future holds for us.

On another sad note. I am not pregnant this month. Of course I started spotting tonight and that means I will have my period full force for my first day back at work. On the brighter side my period is a few days early so that by the weekend it should be gone which means that hopefully I can enjoy some loving on my anniversary. I can't wait until Friday so we can get out of town and just spend time the two of us.

So goodbye summer and goodbye cycle #2. May God teach me grace to accept what the past has held and openness to what the future brings. I hope I can stay positive because it will be a rough week and I want to conquer it not the other way around.

Big Girl Bike

Eve learned to ride her big girl bike this weekend. We brought the bike in the house and worked on peddling. It was too hot to do it outside and she loves being in the house so we though we would give it a try. She has been able to ride her tricycle for a long time but the big girl bike really scared her so this was a big accomplishment. She was having the hardest time peddling but finally figured it out. She even took a huge spill after catching her handlebar on my mom's pants. She got a couple of bruises and a scrape on her chin but with it 45 minutes asked all on her own if she could ride her bike some more. This was so amazing coming from my child that seems to be afraid of anything that could be dangerous. Now when she is riding around the house and someone gets near her she says "no butts in my way!" It is her goofy way of saying stay out of my way. She never stops amazing us with what she has accomplished. She is getting more and more independent everyday. I am so proud of her.