TMI, Vent, and My Favorite.

Eve Trying to convince us to let her stay up longer.

So every night when Eve goes to bed she likes to procrastinate. She always has to go to the bathroom a million times and goes ever single time. It gets really annoying. I am hanging out and down the hall I hear, "Moooooommmmmy, I have to go POOOOOPPPPPIIIIIEEEE!" Then I get the pleasure of checking it out. She always tells you to close your eyes and then yells, "Surprise!" when you go in there. I guess it all goes back to potty training. Apparently we got way to excited that she feels it must continue. But let me tell you this kid can poop like no other kid know to man which is hilarious because she barely eats these days.

My other least favorite part of bedtime is reading. I swear the kid has to have at least 10 books read to her every night. I feel bad for saying no but honestly I am beginning to loath bedtime. If I have to read Green Eggs and Ham one more time I will turn green. It wouldn't be so bad if I had to just read the books but I must do it with all the different voices. I end up so tired at the end I almost pass out while going through the motions. I never get to go right to bed though because she will keep calling for me every five minutes once she needs something. Yes I know I am the parent but I hate making her cry around bedtime because it draws this whole process out 5 times as long. What happened to the good old days of crying it out. She can cry for hours now and does not even begin to get sleepy.

She was just out of bed and would not listen to my repeated requests for her to go back to bed. Honestly I was being lazy and didn't want to get up to physically put her back in bed because I am tired. She just stood there so I yelled at her. I feel really bad because she went away for a minute came back with tears in her eyes and said, "Mommy please don't yell at me. I love so much." I am such a schmuck. Eve is the most compassionate kid ever who is always trying to make everyone around her laugh, smile, and be happy. And what do I do? I rip her head off because I am being lazy. So I tucked her back in bed and said sorry for yelling at her and huggled and kissled (what she calls it) her. She told me she hopes I have sweet dreams and now she is finally off to slumber land...I think.

But I have to say even though I complain about putting her to bed my favorite part of the day is when she is awake. Especially when she just wakes up. If I get up before her I just want to wake her up because I missed her so much. Usually she wakes me up though and always comes in my room and climbs in bed and brushes my hair out of my face and whispers..."Mommy, I love you. Will you wake up and play with me?" Who doesn't want to wake up like that? I will be sad when I have to go back to work next week and can't spend as much time with her. She really is a sweet little girl.

She will be swimming soon.

Eve has been able to swim around the pool with her floaties for the last 2 summers. Honestly she can almost swim as fast as me and I am a pretty good swimmer. We have wanted to have her try swimming without her floaties all summer but she always says it is too dangerous. I guess we really ingrained in her that she has to be careful around the pool. Anyway she has a nervous breakdown every time you mention taking the floaties off and then freaks if you get near her. Well today I was done swimming and went to sit at the side of the pool and she came and joined me. She said she was done too so we took the floaties off and she always either throws them over the pool fence or in the pool. She did one of each and Adam wouldn't give the pool one back to her unless she walked on the stair that goes all the way around the pool. She finally agreed to do it. Then after a new game developed over getting the floatie in the pool she let Adam hold her stomach and let her swim without her floaties. I am so proud of her. She swam the length of the pool probably 10 times. Adam did such an amazing job of comforting her and making sure she felt safe that by the end she was all smiles. I can't wait until she is brave enough to try on her own. I know she can do it. I guess we will have to go swimming every night now.

Eve's Room.

I have been wanting to update Eve's room for a long time but haven't found what I was looking for before now. I got the Pottery Barn Kids catalog in the mail yesterday and totally feel in love with one of the sets in there. I think I am going to have to buy it for her even though Adam said she is fine with what she has now. Notice he never actually said no so he hasn't forbid me from doing it yet. I think secretly he likes it too but is such a cheap butt that he would let her keep her current set until she moved out. I will probably wait until I get my first paycheck before I go all out and splurge on it. It is back ordered right now anyway so I might as well wait. Her room was Tinkerbell so we are already rocking the pink, purple, and green colors so it isn't like I need to completely redo everything in her room just the bedding for now and perhaps a new coat of paint in a couple of months.

Positive.

I think I have been so negative lately and that isn't the direction I want my life to be right now. I have been praying for God to help me see the positive in everything from here forward and to help me let go of the negativity in my life.

It is amazing how God listens. I was giving Adam a hard time today about stupid stuff I wanted him to do put he didn't want to. I was just joking with him and then he was telling me how he was going to have to work 2-3hrs overtime per day for a while. Although I miss him terribly while he is at work I know it is a good thing because it means extra money for us which I like. He is such a good man that takes on so much responsibility. I was reminding him that I don't mind if he works overtime but he needs to get off at a decent time on 8.8.08 because it is our anniversary and we are going to go out of town to celebrate. He said he already discussed it with his coworker. He said told his coworker, "My wife and I have been together for 6.5 years and are coming up on our 5 year wedding anniversary. It really has been the best 6.5 years and I hope we have 50 more together." How sweet is Adam to say that. I love him more everyday and am so thankful that I get to be his wife. His co-worker agreed to pick up the slack that day so we could get out of town at a decent time. It just amazes me what a great man I married. I am the luckiest girl in the whole world. Not only do I have the best husband in the whole world I also have one fabulous daughter too. So when I start complaining about everything in the world around me I am going to just think back to this so I can remember I have a lot to be happy and thankful for.

Silly girl.

Eve was watching TV and they were asking, "What's your name?" She replied, "My Aisling." She has been telling people her name is Aisling(Ashling) lately so I wanted to know if she would prefer for us to call her that since technically it is her real first name. I know she is proud of her name but when she says it everyone thinks her name is Ashley. So I said, "Do you want us to call you Aisling or Eve?" Her response, "I want you to call me Pink." After much discussion about this she finally settled on the fact that we could call her Aisling Pink or Eve Pink. Then she kept saying Eve Pink so I guess that settles it for now.

Unexpected

Today I got a call from my school. I never heard the phone ring but checked my voicemail and I got a message from the principal at my school. Somehow she found out about the miscarriage and called to give her condolences and said if I needed anything to just let her know. I am really shocked. She is not the most sympathetic lady in the world so it was kind of nice to get the message.

Eve's new favorite food.

Eve is the world pickiest eater ever. So what new food did she decide she likes. Hormel Chili. Seriously this kid is so random.

Family Future.

I hope that by Adam's parents moving here I can start a better relationship with them. We were the first to get married and they thought we were too young (we were 23 when we got married they were 19.) Every boy I ever dated parents loved me. Adam's parents kind of live in their own little world. They can even be cold to their own children so putting on my usual charm was extra challenging. We get along and I guess they like me at least Adam says they do. We were only dating for a 1.5 years when we got married. So I only saw them occasionally for the first year and a half and honestly was a little distant because I didn't feel comfortable around them. We moved away 3 days after our wedding so seeing them became more infrequent putting the relationship stage at a slow progress. Don't get me wrong we get along. In fact they try and be on their best behavior when I am around because they want to make a good impression on me as well. I just wish I could have the relationship with them that Adam has with my parents. I am going to put forth more effort and try to come up with activities where they see what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think the problem lies in their other kids. Their relationships are full of drama and they always need money from their parents. We don't need anything from them but love. Everything with Adam's brother and sisters is a big competition. We have this and this. Mom and Dad gave me this and this. It is sooo lame. First of all none of them can compete with us because I make more than any of their combined incomes and I am a teacher. Second of all his parents don't give us anything because they are stingy and we don't whine until we get something we can't afford to buy on our own. Whenever we go back to see them and we try and just hang out it becomes a pissing match with his siblings (they are always around) so we never get any real time with them. When they have visited here they never stay for more than a few days so we never get to get beyond the formalities. I am looking forward to getting some alone time with them so they can see us not only as our individual family but also that we can develop a normal relationship. Honestly it isn't Adam's mom that I think is cold . It is Adam's dad that needs to see relationships without drama and with the depth to which I believe a parent/adult children relationship can be. I am excited for what the future holds.

Family Time.

Well we finally got to see Adam's parents on Friday and Saturday morning before they left. The good thing is that they were in a good mood so seeing them was enjoyable. On Friday we go to their hotel and before we got out of the car I went over a few things with Adam. I always do this because when we are around his parents he becomes oblivious to all my signals. I swear he always is on the same page as me and can understand with just a glance how I am feeling until he gets around his parents and he becomes totally oblivious. The one thing I wanted to reiterate to him was I had had a 1/2 bowl of cereal to eat all day and it was now 5 and I was starving and would prefer to not eat at 9 pm like they usually do. He said OK. We get to the room and we talk for awhile and then his parents ask what we want to do tonight. Adam's response, "Well I am not really hungry because I had a big lunch so what if we go drive around and explore." Um WTF??? Did I not tell him I was starving? I seriously wanted to strangle him. I must have given him the most evil look ever because then he was like "What?" I was so mad. I ended up getting a coke before we left the hotel and I had a mini bag of potato chips in my car that I ate but honestly the 5 chips did little for my stomach. When I got the coke I whispered to him how pissed I was and he said, "Sorry I forgot." We decided to checked out Canyon Lake. It is so beautiful there. It has been a long time since we have been there. Afterwards Adam asked them if they wanted to go back to our house for a while. WTF? I am still freaking hungry and by this point my head hurts from lack of food. Luckily they said it was getting late so we should probably go to dinner. We get back into town and go to Claim Jumpers. They have the most ginourmous portions of food. There are too many good things to decide on. I decided to get a Long Island to help dull the pain from my headache. I was drunk after I finished it because of lack of food and decided to order another one. I was smashed and ate a little food.

The real problem is in my insecurity. Adam's whole family is soooo skinny. They eat a ton of food and never gain weight. His parents are really critical of people that are overweight. They never say anything bad about me but they do talk about how fat other people are and they might be skinnier than me so it is an insult to me. I actually find it pretty funny how critical their parents are because all of their kids are with someone who is overweight. Anyway I hate bringing up the food issue because it just feels like I am saying I am fat because I want to eat all the time. I honestly eat healthy and I just get fatter. (Although since the miscarriage I have lost 4 pounds.) I don't know they just think that they are better than everyone in every way so it makes me feel really unaccepted.

Saturday was much better on my part although my stomach hurt from all the eating out. I don't do real well with greasy meals. We went to the mall and hung out and did a little shopping. It was really nice. Eve got some super cute outfits from Pumpkin Patch. I got a new shirt from Eddie Bauer. Adam's parents got Eve a bunch of toys from KB toys (a baby doll, barbie, polly pocket playset, and a Fisher Price MP3 player.) The kid really didn't really need anymore toys but she loves everything she got and we are thankful that they spoiled her a little.

The sadness continues.

Eve has been asking me all day to visit her other grandma/grandpa (Adam's parents). I told her we had to wait until Daddy came home to go visit them. She literally asked me about it every 20 minutes today and would be so upset when I said we had to wait. Well as I was getting ready to go Adam calls and says don't bother getting ready. Yep they canceled. They are in Sedona putting an offer on a house and won't be back tonight. So we will see if they will actually see us tomorrow. They will be here for a whole week and we will be lucky if we get to see them 1 day. But who knows maybe they will move here but I am not actually going to hold my breath on that one. Eve was so sad she actually cried real tears (not the fake ones she uses to get whatever she wants). She wanted to see them all day and I promised her all day and then I had to break my promise to her. As soon as Adam gets home she is going to call them and cry to them. I doubt it will make a difference because they only seem to be worried about themselves. I think it sucks that I ended up looking like the jerk breaking my promise to her. You would think I would have learned in the 6.5years I have know them to never make a promise that is connected to them. I hate breaking promises. On a good note my Dad set up this stupid karaoke thing for kids and Eve is rocking out right now with him. It is really cute. I am glad that my parents don't disappoint her. I missed the video of them rocking together but I did catch Eve singing the I love mommy song. Usually we sing together where I say I love Eve in my biggest opera voice and then she says I love Mommy. It is really obnoxious when we do it because we are both singing on the top of our lungs but it is our thing and makes us both laugh.

Something Special.

We are coming up to our 5 year wedding anniversary on 8.8.08. I want to do something special so I am trying to decide between going to San Diego or Sedona for a weekend getaway. Adam loves the water so San Diego would be great but Sedona is more romantic. I don't know yet. I think instead of picking and surprising him I am going to let him choose. We are going to do something fun and I am not going to let him be a spoil sport because it is going to cost money something he never seems to want to spend even though we have it to spend. I can't wait for our anniversary. It is the weekend before the students come back for the school year so it will be my final vacation for a while. I can't wait.

New Traditions

We have been so caught up in our own lives that I think sometimes we just lose track of what is really important. I really wanted to start some new traditions with Eve. The first thing I decided to do is to take Eve on a lunch date just the two of us at least once a month. We did it last month and had such a blast. We go to Streets of New York and have french fries and coke. It might not be healthy but it is a special time for us. We just love our lunch dates. I think it is the one meal a month I don't have to fight with her to eat. Adam and I also decided to start going to Gelato Freeze every Monday because they have buy one get one free. $4 gets super yummy Gelato for the whole family. My current favorite flavor is pink grapefruit. I usually get a scoop of raspberry too so that Eve can eat it all. I honestly don't think she cares what flavor it is as long as it is pink. I think we need to focus more on being a family. We get so caught up in doing what makes us all individually happy that we don't do what it takes to be a strong connected family as much as we can. I love my husband and daughter and I want to focus on them as the center of my world instead of work/school being my driving force. Family comes first and sometimes I lose sight of that.
I also lost sight of God. I have not been very religious lately but I think it is something I need to find again. I started praying the rosary again and I am doing the Rosary Novena. I think there are a lot of people who need prayer and healing right now. I am trying really hard to not ask God for anything besides to walk beside me as I struggle and to help families that are dealing with fertility issues find peace. I want to continue to find peace in my life and I think it means I will need to have some guidance from above.

Chemical Pregnancy

I have been trying to find out what others experienced with chemical pregnancies and am having a hard time finding someone that has gone through this. It supposedly is really common yet all I can find is what it is so I am going to recount my experience so far so that if others find themselves going through this they will know what I have been through.

June 26 -July 3 really crampy like my period was starting
July 2-BFP but lighter than I expected
July 4- BFP again but even lighter than the first one. I research it and it says it is most likely nothing. I am a little worried that I am going to lose the baby but let it go.
July 5-6 Crampy on my left side. I research some more and am really worried about an ectopic but convince myself I am being a hypochondriac.
July 7-Feeling better.
July 8-Start to spot at lunch time. The spotting is mostly brown but a tinge of pink occurs every now and then. I go to the ER and get my beta which is only 5. I am miscarrying.
July 9- Start bleeding at noon pretty heavy
July 10-Heavy cramping and bleeding
July 11- Bleeding slows down some. Diarrhea
July 12- Spotting and by the end of the day nothing
July 13- Really watery bleeding but kind of spotting.
July 14- Still lightly spotting but almost gone. Still a little crampy at times. Diarrhea
July 15- Almost done spotting. It is so light I would consider it gone. Still having random cramps in my stomach and ovary area. I think I am over analyzing it though because I only notice it when I am laying around. If I am out and about I feel normal.
July 16- It is finally done. I am done spotting and done cramping.
I am ready to move on. Adam and I are excited to start trying again.

Smartypants

Eve is to smart. She loves to play video games with Adam but she doesn't really know how to play so Adam gave her my controller to "play" with him. He took the batteries out so it can't actually do anything. First thing she did when Adam gave her the controller was turn it over and say "Didda where is the battery?" It sucks when you can't out smart a 3 year old. Love the munchkin but we are going to have to start getting more creative.

Moving Forward

The doctors appointment today was exactly what we needed to be able to move on. Even though I didn't get to see my regular doctor we did see another doctor in the practice. I had an appointment right before lunch so no one was in the waiting room. It was nice not to see all the baby bellies. I really love the practice I go to. Dr. H was great. He gave us the closure we needed without poking and prodding me. He said I could have an u/s if I wanted but it wasn't necessary. We decided to pass. He said if I was still bleeding longer than a normal period or if I was having any pain just to call and they will get me in for an u/s in just a couple of hours. He was really supportive of everything and said since the baby never really had a chance to develop there was no need for us to wait a full cycle before trying again. So it will kind of be like this was just a normal cycle just thrown off for a week. Adam and I talked today and we both decided that we will always hold our lost baby in our hearts but we need to move on. It is interesting how your feelings can change so fast. We are ready to start trying again. Eve has been such a trooper. She has been trying to comfort me all week and keeps asking me to not cry anymore. When I came home from the Dr. she asked me if I cried. I told her no. While rubbing my arm she told me she was really proud of me. Adam and I feel really bad for her. We decided that since we were getting ready to move forward we needed to help cheer up Eve because she has been doing everything to try and cheer us up. We took her to build-a-bear to make an Amethyst bear(it is her birth stone). We went a little crazy and let her pick out a bear, outfit, purse, and ipod. Total: $50. Seeing her happy: Priceless

We lost the baby.

I lost the baby yesterday. We are totally devastated. I was in Sacramento for a conference. I came back from lunch and when I went to the bathroom I was spotting. I frantically tried calling my Dr. but the office was out to lunch. I called Adam not knowing what to do. He was upset and I told him I was going to go to the hospital to get checked out and I would keep him informed. I called the hotel front desk to find the nearest hospital. I drove myself there and was barely holding it together. As soon as I got in triage I lost it. I was all alone and scared out of my mind. The nurses were really nice and got me into a room in just a few minutes. Once I got into my room they took a urine sample and a blood sample. I then waited for 3 hours to see a dr. I was on the phone with Adam and my parents almost the whole time. I was a mess. I couldn’t believe this was happening when I had no one there for me. The dr. finally came in and they did a pelvic exam and he said my cervix looked good but there was a little blood. Then he went over the test results. My urine test came back negative for pregnancy and my blood work showed my Beta level at only 5. He told me I was young and in good health and should be able to get over this quickly. That was it. I was stuck there all by myself and just told I lost the baby. I still don’t understand what happened. I called Adam to switch me to the next flight home. My roommate for the conference was the only person who knew what was going on. She had to run a meeting while all of this was going on but came to the hospital to drive me home. We went back to the hotel and she helped me pack and took me to the airport. I cried almost all day yesterday including most of the 2 hour flight home. The people sitting around me must have thought I was a wack job. I really needed Adam. He held it together until we got home. The hardest part was seeing Eve. She was so upset to see me so upset and every time I look at her I start bawling. I know I may be rambling and probably missed a lot of details but I am just so heartbroken I can’t even think straight. I don’t know how I am going to get over this. My biggest fear is this will happen again. I am almost considering not having anymore children because I am not sure I can handle another loss like this. I will probably change my mind but for now I feel like my heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed. I am so angry, hurt, confused, heart broken, and sad. I am so lucky though to have such a wonderful husband and daughter who even through their own pain are trying so hard to be there for me. I am so happy to be home. Yesterday was the worst day of my whole life.

Happy Birthday America!

Eve loves to dress fancy(dresses) but since today is 4 th of July I wanted her to wear the special outfit I got her. I had to tell her it was a special outfit because it is America's birthday. As I was getting her dressed she said, "are we going to make a special cake and sing happy birthday to Merica?" I told her we could make special cupcakes. So Happy Birthday America!

Eve's reaction.

Me: Eve, Mommy and Daddy are going to have a baby. You are going to be a big sister.
Eve: OHHHH WOOOOOWWWWW! (said in slow motion)

She runs off to play.

She is excited as you can tell. :)

Telling the Family.

Today we told our parents and brothers and sisters that we are expecting number two. I had my DD go up to my mom in her shirt and say, "Look at my new shirt Grammy." My mom read it outloud and both of my parents were like "Are you guys expecting again?" They are so excited.

Last night I sent this e-mail to Adam's parents.

They called us today and are really excited. They were already up to their usual antics. "We are too young to have 6 grandkids." Um talk to your younger daughters who each have 2 kids not us legally married late 20 year olds ok. "You need to have a boy so you can carry on our last name." I don't really care if this awful last name gets passed on. You still have another son who has no kids yet to pass it on. I honestly just want a healthy baby. "When you have the baby you need to name him Thomas Adam." No you already have one grandson named Thomas you aren't getting another one named after you. I now refuse to even consider it as a middle name not that I ever really was. Plus we could have a girl. I hate how people assume you need one of each. I honestly would be happy with either. I know it is just how they show excitement but it just annoying.

I sent the same e-mail to my brother and Adam's sister and brother so we will see how they react. I really hope they e-mail me because I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone. I am happy we told everyone even though it is really early. I do like having the support of family.

Mission Accomplished!!!

I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was positive! I am so freaking excited.