Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day and I just want to take a moment to ask everyone to keep those that have suffered a loss in your hearts and prayers today. Even though we are currently blessed with a baby doesn't make the loss of baby Pokey any less heavy in my heart. Many women are lighting candles in remembrance of their lost child. I have lit a candle as well. (Thanks Bada for the link) My thoughts and prayers are with those that have gone through the struggle of a loss.

Something I need to work on.

I am just beginning to realize how much I covet things. This usually starts with me being judgmental and then turns into full on jealousy followed by more judgments. I feel like a terrible person when I act this way. So here I will be completely honest and you can see how big of a douche I am. I have never understood how people could handle having their kids close together in age. I think it is ridiculous when someone gets pregnant within a year after the first. Why you might ask? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I didn't have a sibling close in age. I can't afford to have two close together. Eve was a royal pain in the behind for the first couple of months and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that plus another kid that is not capable of taking care of themselves. The first kid didn't captivate their attention enough that they need to add another one right away. Is this a stupid reasoning? I am sure and I don't understand at why I feel this way. So there is my first judgement. It is stupid and I tell myself the other side of each of those arguments but they don't seem to sink through. Today on BOTB someone announced their BFP and I seriously felt my heart drop. Her family seems so perfect and her first child is completely beautiful and yet I am such a douche that honestly I feel sick that it happened so easy for her. Her perfect family is going to get more perfect. I am jealous. I am sorry that I feel this way but I do. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to and yet God left me with a scar in my heart and a fear that I am never going to get the perfect family. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because honestly I know there are a lot of ladies that would do anything to have the beautiful daughter I already have. We haven't even been trying for #2 that long but I am sad that I had a miscarriage and I know this whole other situation is unrelated but I want my perfect family and I wish I could stop feeling this way. I am sure tomorrow I will be really happy for her but right now I need to just try and think positive thoughts because the negatives are making the person I don't want to be.

I am not alone.

So Adam was telling me how today at work there was a guy at work whose wife just had a baby and they came in and showed the baby off to everyone and it made him really sad. This is the first time he has said something made him upset about it. I am glad that he let me know it made him sad because I know that there are still times when I totally think I am ok and then something happens that makes me sad and I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. It really has me choked up right now thinking about him being disappointed but at the same time I know that when we have our next child it will make it that much more sweet. God has his reasons and I trust that God will bless us with another child when it is our time.

Chemical Pregnancy

I have been trying to find out what others experienced with chemical pregnancies and am having a hard time finding someone that has gone through this. It supposedly is really common yet all I can find is what it is so I am going to recount my experience so far so that if others find themselves going through this they will know what I have been through.

June 26 -July 3 really crampy like my period was starting
July 2-BFP but lighter than I expected
July 4- BFP again but even lighter than the first one. I research it and it says it is most likely nothing. I am a little worried that I am going to lose the baby but let it go.
July 5-6 Crampy on my left side. I research some more and am really worried about an ectopic but convince myself I am being a hypochondriac.
July 7-Feeling better.
July 8-Start to spot at lunch time. The spotting is mostly brown but a tinge of pink occurs every now and then. I go to the ER and get my beta which is only 5. I am miscarrying.
July 9- Start bleeding at noon pretty heavy
July 10-Heavy cramping and bleeding
July 11- Bleeding slows down some. Diarrhea
July 12- Spotting and by the end of the day nothing
July 13- Really watery bleeding but kind of spotting.
July 14- Still lightly spotting but almost gone. Still a little crampy at times. Diarrhea
July 15- Almost done spotting. It is so light I would consider it gone. Still having random cramps in my stomach and ovary area. I think I am over analyzing it though because I only notice it when I am laying around. If I am out and about I feel normal.
July 16- It is finally done. I am done spotting and done cramping.
I am ready to move on. Adam and I are excited to start trying again.

Moving Forward

The doctors appointment today was exactly what we needed to be able to move on. Even though I didn't get to see my regular doctor we did see another doctor in the practice. I had an appointment right before lunch so no one was in the waiting room. It was nice not to see all the baby bellies. I really love the practice I go to. Dr. H was great. He gave us the closure we needed without poking and prodding me. He said I could have an u/s if I wanted but it wasn't necessary. We decided to pass. He said if I was still bleeding longer than a normal period or if I was having any pain just to call and they will get me in for an u/s in just a couple of hours. He was really supportive of everything and said since the baby never really had a chance to develop there was no need for us to wait a full cycle before trying again. So it will kind of be like this was just a normal cycle just thrown off for a week. Adam and I talked today and we both decided that we will always hold our lost baby in our hearts but we need to move on. It is interesting how your feelings can change so fast. We are ready to start trying again. Eve has been such a trooper. She has been trying to comfort me all week and keeps asking me to not cry anymore. When I came home from the Dr. she asked me if I cried. I told her no. While rubbing my arm she told me she was really proud of me. Adam and I feel really bad for her. We decided that since we were getting ready to move forward we needed to help cheer up Eve because she has been doing everything to try and cheer us up. We took her to build-a-bear to make an Amethyst bear(it is her birth stone). We went a little crazy and let her pick out a bear, outfit, purse, and ipod. Total: $50. Seeing her happy: Priceless

We lost the baby.

I lost the baby yesterday. We are totally devastated. I was in Sacramento for a conference. I came back from lunch and when I went to the bathroom I was spotting. I frantically tried calling my Dr. but the office was out to lunch. I called Adam not knowing what to do. He was upset and I told him I was going to go to the hospital to get checked out and I would keep him informed. I called the hotel front desk to find the nearest hospital. I drove myself there and was barely holding it together. As soon as I got in triage I lost it. I was all alone and scared out of my mind. The nurses were really nice and got me into a room in just a few minutes. Once I got into my room they took a urine sample and a blood sample. I then waited for 3 hours to see a dr. I was on the phone with Adam and my parents almost the whole time. I was a mess. I couldn’t believe this was happening when I had no one there for me. The dr. finally came in and they did a pelvic exam and he said my cervix looked good but there was a little blood. Then he went over the test results. My urine test came back negative for pregnancy and my blood work showed my Beta level at only 5. He told me I was young and in good health and should be able to get over this quickly. That was it. I was stuck there all by myself and just told I lost the baby. I still don’t understand what happened. I called Adam to switch me to the next flight home. My roommate for the conference was the only person who knew what was going on. She had to run a meeting while all of this was going on but came to the hospital to drive me home. We went back to the hotel and she helped me pack and took me to the airport. I cried almost all day yesterday including most of the 2 hour flight home. The people sitting around me must have thought I was a wack job. I really needed Adam. He held it together until we got home. The hardest part was seeing Eve. She was so upset to see me so upset and every time I look at her I start bawling. I know I may be rambling and probably missed a lot of details but I am just so heartbroken I can’t even think straight. I don’t know how I am going to get over this. My biggest fear is this will happen again. I am almost considering not having anymore children because I am not sure I can handle another loss like this. I will probably change my mind but for now I feel like my heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed. I am so angry, hurt, confused, heart broken, and sad. I am so lucky though to have such a wonderful husband and daughter who even through their own pain are trying so hard to be there for me. I am so happy to be home. Yesterday was the worst day of my whole life.