10 random facts.

1.  When I was little my mom thought I went missing in the middle of the night but really I was playing in the dark basement.

2.  I fell asleep in a hotel bathtub and flooded my room.

3.  My husband is my life. 

4.  I get touched out easily and need my space.  For some reason when I get like this my husband and kids can not keep their hands off of me.  I think they really just want to see me have a nervous breakdown one day.

5.  I tell my family I have a secret about every five minutes.  The secret is always that I love them. 

6.  I feel like there is often two sides of me and that I am constantly struggling to let both sides show.  I have a crazy fun side and a totally reserved side.  There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of middle ground.

7.  I finally got someone to cut my hair how I wanted it cut.  It is a really dramatic bob cut.  I refer to it as the woman's mullet.  Because if you see me from the front it looks normal and if you see me from the side it looks crazy.  So I am business in the front and party in the back.  It fits my personality.

8.  I feel like I talk about myself a lot when I am around others.  For me it is to let them know I relate to them but sometimes I feel like they think all I think about is me.  This is one of my biggest social fears because really I am much more concerned about others than myself.

9.  I love reggaeton music.

10.  I had a bunch of random jobs growing up.  I sold souvenirs for the Brewers, was a cab dispatcher, worked as a server at a 4 star restaurant, worked on a farm, was a summer camp counselor, and worked in a daycare.  I love the diverse experiences I got growing up and loved that my parents never forced me to get a job so that I could take whatever random job suited my interest at the time.

I moved on.

I cancelled my appointment although I fibbed a little to do so. I said I was going out of town which is true and said I would reschedule when I returned which is not true. I then thought I had found the perfect sounding place for physical therapy until I called and they no longer take my insurance. I went back to my insurance website and after I discarded the physical therapists from that clinic they only had 9 possible choices within 25 miles of where I live. I live in a big city and have a big name insurance carrier so this kind of threw me for a loop. So I chose one at random and I feel good about it. She is in between my house and work so it is convenient from either place, she has late night appointments, and when I described my pain the receptionist said she specializes in that area as she used to work with pregnant patients. The only downside is I have to wait until July 15th at 7:30 pm to go there. I am excited though.

Why is breaking up so hard to do?

So like I said I have been having some serious lower back pain/pelvic pain since Milo has been born. I decided to go to the chiropractor about it. He is a nice guy but I am just not feeling much relief and honestly I feel like I am now in pain in places where there wasn't really pain before. Like for instance he was pulling on my head to realign my neck and since then my ears feel like they do when you go on an airplane and my jaw hurts. Then last time I went he was pulling on my leg to try and realign my hip and my ankle cracked and it hurt to walk for the rest of the night. I would like to stop going but I am not sure how to break off the appointments. I am also having some issues from my past that is making this difficult.

When I was 20 I was in a pretty bad car accident. I got t-boned and was having some lower back pain and jaw pain. The pain was mostly when I sat down for too long and although painful it wasn't debilitating either. I simply wanted to live a life where there was no pain. I decided to go see a pain management Dr. He made me come to see him every other day including weekends. He put me on some heavy narcotics and did some types of therapy. None of the narcotics seemed to help. He kept changing my prescription to different types of meds and nothing helped with the pain. Honestly looking back I can't even remember what exactly he did for therapy because all I can remember is that with all the drugs I was on was I could not lead a normal life. I was going to him for about 2 months with my parents paying his ridiculously expensive bills that insurance would only partly cover and me having to pay $20 co-pays 4 times a week(I was a broke college kid at the time.) Well one weekend I was watching TV and I was going to get ready for bed and I literally couldn't get myself out of the chair. It took about 30 minutes of me trying to get my body to do what my brain was telling it. This would happen to me often and it was making me feel overwhelmed so he prescribed me some anti-anxiety meds. So I thought I was doing better until one day I missed a dose of my medicine and went through withdrawal just like a junkie. It was awful. I realized my body had become addicted to these drugs and that was something I didn't like. I decided to start lowering my own dosage over the next week in hopes of getting off them even though the Dr. said it was important that I take them. Many times I spent hours on the bathroom floor trying to recover. One one of these days my parents were home and as I lay on the floor huddled in the fetal position my mom was in there talking to me and suddenly I just laid out everything I was feeling. I wasn't feeling better, the drugs were making me feel like I couldn't handle my life, and overall I was just stressed. She called my Dr. and explained what was happening and his response was that I needed to get a higher dose of drugs and come in immediately to see him. My mom explained to him that the drugs were making me worse and he started yelling at her. My mom explained that his services were no longer needed and he became irate with her. I could hear him yelling at her through the phone. She hung up on him and after a weekend of hell I was off the drugs and feeling like a normal person again. I still had back pain so at the referral of my regular Dr. went and saw a physical therapist and healed up real nice. Crazy ass Dr. lost his licence shortly after I stopped seeing him because he treat other patients even worse than me. So I have Dr. issues and I kind of feel like going to the chiropractor has a lot of similarities to seeing Dr. Crazy.

1. I am not feeling any better and when I do feel a little relief it is short lived.
2. I am going to see him at least twice a week at $35 a pop. That is $70 a week, $140 every two weeks, $280 a month. That is a lot of money to me especially when I am still in pain. I think about all the nice things I could do with $280 a month and it sickens me.
3. My pain is in one very specific spot and it seems to be the spot that he spends the least amount of time working on. He does all of my lower back but it is specifically just to the left of my tailbone very deep in the joint that hurts.

So I want to stop seeing him and perhaps go to physical therapy instead. It is a really small office with just his wife as the receptionist and him. (another similarity to Dr. Crazy) and I feel bad because they are nice people and I know he feels like chiropractors don't get the credit they deserve and that he really wants to help me but it just isn't working out for me. I know I just need to call and cancel my appointment but I am having a hard time with it.

Dr. Appt Update

Took Milo to the Dr. today and he was 8lbs 7oz., 21.5 inches, and head circumference of 13 in. We had to take him for another serum test for the jaundice because it doesn't seem to be getting better but that could be because of the whole feeding fiasco from yesterday. Should find out the results this afternoon. If they are still high we have to go get a biliblanket and if the are average we just need to keep feeding him and get the boy some sun. I feel bad for giving him sun though because it is already over 100 degrees here. The Dr. seemed very supportive of our decision to formula feed. I am off to nap because the lack of sleep and my engorged breasts have made tired. Hopefully I can sleep through the cabbage stench (used to relieve the engorgement.)

Today.

Today was interesting for sure. First there was no air conditioning in my classroom today. It rained last night so imagine a day spent with 25-30 kids and it is 100 degrees and super humid. It rained this morning which made the humidity unbearable. So I finally found a classroom with air conditioning that I could move my class to. This classroom was not much cooler than mine but the air was on. I wore a sweater to school today because it has been really cold in my classroom lately. On my way to the new classroom I totally tripped and am now missing a chunk out of my hand, arm, and knees. I also scratched the crap out of my favorite shoes. The kids were so sweet and helped me get all the things I dropped and one ran to the nurse to get me a band aide and something to clean my major scratch on the back of my hand. Eve helped me super clean and bandage it once I got home. I thought she was going to start crying as I sprayed the lanacane on it because I couldn't stop swearing it hurt so freaking bad. It says on the label cools & soothes instantly. My ass it does. It should say something more like "Burns like a Bitch but you won't get any diseases from this one." I am totally freaking out now because bad things always come in threes. I am feeling a little crampy tonight so I am scared AF is going to be early again I hope I am wrong but I think Adam and I just didn't have great timing this month. If I am not pregnant this month it should make for an interesting trip to Wisconsin because my fertile time falls close to that weekend. We have to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room at Adam's parents house because they are moving.

Something I need to work on.

I am just beginning to realize how much I covet things. This usually starts with me being judgmental and then turns into full on jealousy followed by more judgments. I feel like a terrible person when I act this way. So here I will be completely honest and you can see how big of a douche I am. I have never understood how people could handle having their kids close together in age. I think it is ridiculous when someone gets pregnant within a year after the first. Why you might ask? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I didn't have a sibling close in age. I can't afford to have two close together. Eve was a royal pain in the behind for the first couple of months and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that plus another kid that is not capable of taking care of themselves. The first kid didn't captivate their attention enough that they need to add another one right away. Is this a stupid reasoning? I am sure and I don't understand at why I feel this way. So there is my first judgement. It is stupid and I tell myself the other side of each of those arguments but they don't seem to sink through. Today on BOTB someone announced their BFP and I seriously felt my heart drop. Her family seems so perfect and her first child is completely beautiful and yet I am such a douche that honestly I feel sick that it happened so easy for her. Her perfect family is going to get more perfect. I am jealous. I am sorry that I feel this way but I do. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to and yet God left me with a scar in my heart and a fear that I am never going to get the perfect family. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because honestly I know there are a lot of ladies that would do anything to have the beautiful daughter I already have. We haven't even been trying for #2 that long but I am sad that I had a miscarriage and I know this whole other situation is unrelated but I want my perfect family and I wish I could stop feeling this way. I am sure tomorrow I will be really happy for her but right now I need to just try and think positive thoughts because the negatives are making the person I don't want to be.

A mini vent

Today seemed to be a day where there were a lot of rough patches. First of all I sat through my 4th straight morning meeting and this one there were a whole lot of rude and obnoxious teachers who don't seem to understand manners or listening. Upon the return to my classroom after the second bell and all the kids sitting outside my room waiting patiently I got everyone in and settled (I have great students) and checked my voicemail. I will be having another meeting tomorrow before school. So in 5 days I will have had 6 meetings outside of school hours. Tomorrow's meeting will take the cake. The implied topic is that we have to cut teachers. Our enrollment is down and I think we will have to lose a teacher. Who knew that adding an extra hour for all teachers would mean we need one less teacher? Oh that would be me, but apparently I am the only one who knew how to do the math. So I feel really bad that this is going to happen and then I feel really selfish because I don't want to have to have my schedule all overturned 3 weeks into the school year. I am really frustrated also that next week I have to give up 2 full days of instruction for some random crap that we have to go over with the students. I have a crap ton of stuff to teach my students and I can't afford to give up instructional days. Anyway enough work. I am trying to stay positive and uninvolved so I don't get all bent out of shape. Did I mention I start my own classes next week when all of this change will take place.

Today one of my students started telling me about how there were 4 kids in her family but her older brother died when he was born because the umbilical cord was around his neck. Then all the other students started telling me about how their parents have had multiple miscarriages. I held it together during this whole discussion and didn't show any sign of my own. I am really proud of myself. Then later I had some students come visit that I had 4 years ago and they were telling me how almost all the kids from our school have kids now except for the kids in the AVID program who have all done well. It was hard to hear about the 15+ teens they know who are pregnant or already have a baby. Some of them have already had multiple pregnancies and these kids are only 16-17. It really breaks my heart. So overall today has been a little crazy and I am happy to be at home and am looking forward to having a nice stiff drink tomorrow.

A tiny vent (TMI).

This period is very similar to my m/c and it is making me depressed. I can't wait until it is over because there are huge clots and I feel so exhausted. I wish I could just sleep through all of this but unfortunately I have to work. On the positive side I am not totally hating work yet. I can't wait to start setting up my classroom tomorrow even though it is going to be a lot of work. I miss my friends but I am able to get a lot done because I won't spend all my time chatting with them.

The end is here.

I go back to work tomorrow so my summer vacation is over. I am really sad about it. I will miss spending my days goofing around and being lazy. I will really miss spending time with Eve. She has been my ray of sunshine all summer. She always knows how to make me happy. I will miss the million kisses I get during the day. I am not looking forward to working 9 hours a day and waking up at 5:30 am. I am not a morning person at all. I am not looking forward to only spending 3 hours a weekday with Eve while she is awake. I wish I could stay home. Never before have I ever wanted to be a stay at home mom but I would do anything to make that happen but I know it is not possible. Maybe next year I can work from home. We will have to see what the future holds for us.

On another sad note. I am not pregnant this month. Of course I started spotting tonight and that means I will have my period full force for my first day back at work. On the brighter side my period is a few days early so that by the weekend it should be gone which means that hopefully I can enjoy some loving on my anniversary. I can't wait until Friday so we can get out of town and just spend time the two of us.

So goodbye summer and goodbye cycle #2. May God teach me grace to accept what the past has held and openness to what the future brings. I hope I can stay positive because it will be a rough week and I want to conquer it not the other way around.

Lunch Date

Eve and I had a lunch date today and it was really fun. This last year has been really hectic for me. I have been going to school full time plus working full time. I feel really bad because although I try to spend time with her it isn’t always easy because there is always work to be done.

This is a typical day that everything runs smoothly on. It doesn’t count Tuesday nights when I would go directly from work to school until 10:00 at night or the nights I work until 7:30 with club sponsorships

6:30~Wake up
7:30~Drive to work
8:00-4:30~Work
4:30-5:00~Drive Home
5:00-5:30~Relax
5:30-6:30~Make and eat dinner
6:30-7:00~Let Eve watch TV.
7:00-8:00~Read Eve 1000 books
8:00~Put Eve to Bed
8:30-12:30~Work on homework and Nest(I need to do something for my sanity.)
12:30-1:00~get ready for bed.
1:00-???~Lay in bed with a list a mile long of things that need to get done.

.
I know you are probably thinking what a wuss. Adam is wonderful and does everything I ask on top of going to work all day, but my problem lies in I think my crazy schedule is really unfair to Eve. I love her to pieces and want to spend so much time with her but I just can’t. Even now that it is summer and I don’t have to work I find it difficult to spend time with her. I am taking two summer classes and one of them has an outrageous amount of work involved. I know I am getting my masters so that I can provide more for my family and also so that I can set a good example for Eve in regards to school, but I feel like I am missing out on so much of her life. I guess I just have to remind myself that I start my capstone project in the fall and that will be the beginning of the end (plus my course load will be much lighter.) In the meantime I am trying to create room in my day to do special things just with Eve. Today I took her to tumbling and afterwards we went to Streets of New York and split french fries and a Coke (really healthy I know). I love streets because they are never busy when we go there. It was so nice to sit and giggle with my little girl and talk about letters, numbers, colors, and all of the silly animals noises she knows. I think she must have told me 100 times in the hour we were there that she loved me. I am so happy that we just got some us time because even though she is always supportive of my schooling (she understands “shhh mommy is on a web-conference right now.” means play quietly next to me) I think she miss our goofy time and I know I certainly do too.