Grandma

My grandma passed away today. I am really sad about it. I thought I would be ok with it because honestly she was not herself and suffering a lot. But I grieve because when I think of her I think of the person she used to be. The person who always spoiled me and would look through the family picture books and tell me stories of our relatives for hours. She would sit on the ground with me and play card and board games. She gave me the gift of a college education and always treated me like I was perfect. I loved her so much and so did Eve. Even though Eve never got to meet the grandma I adored growing up she could see the goodness in her and loved spending time with her even though at times it was hard for me to be around her because I missed the "old" her so much Eve made sure we visited her often because she loved being around her. I am sad I will never get to introduce Milo to her and I am sad that I have to explain to Eve that her great-grami is in a better place with Jesus and that we won't be able to see her anymore. I need to focus on all the wonderful things my Grandma will get to have now. She is no longer in pain and she will be reunited with her loved ones. She will get to be with my grandpa who was her soul mate. They were the couple that taught me what true love was and how to be in a loving respectful relationship. My grandparents were awesome and I am so thankful to have had them be part of my life. I hope they are lovingly embracing each other and watching down on us knowing how much we love them.

I caved.

I seriously couldnt take the roller coaster of sickness I have had all week and so I went to the urgent care. Turns out I have a sinus infection which is why I haven't been getting better. Now I have me some antibiotics and Flonase so hopefully in just a few short days I will feel as normal as I can. I am so over being sick.

And so it begins.

For the last month or so I was pregnant with Eve I got so little sleep. I think it is God's way of helping make the adjustment to lack of sleep once the baby is here not as big of a deal. I am on spring break this week and I had 3 goals: clean and orgnaize the house, sleep, and do homework. It is Wednesday and I have not accomplished one of these goals. My parents had Eve spend the night on Friday and Saturday so I should have been able to sleep until well past ten. No I was up at 7 am both days after waking up a million times to get comfortable and pee. Sunday she came home but I had a head cold so sleep Sunday night/Monday morning was pretty much lost (I was wide awake from 2 am to 6:30 am) by the time I fell into a good sleep there was a cute little 4 year old standing next to me asking me to get up and play. On Monday night/Tuesday morning I was not able to fall asleep until 1:30 am and then got up about every hour to pee and was woken by Miss Eve at 7:30 am. Seriously the child used to sleep until 10 am at least but now I feel blessed if she makes it to 8 am. So last night Adam and I had a tour of the hospital we will be delivering in (not the same one we had Eve at.) We left Eve overnight with my parents again (she loves it there and my parents can't get enough of her.) I am finally starting to feel better so I was excited about the prospect of a good night sleep and getting to sleep in. I must have woken up every hour last night because I just couldn't get comfortable and I was wide awake by 6 am. Seriously all I want is a good night sleep. Just one. I am hoping I start getting tired soon so that I can go back to bed and wake up feeling refreshed enough to complete one of the other goals on my list before I pick up Eve.

Bittersweet.

Today was my due date for the baby we lost. It is also 2 months exactly until Milo is due. I never realized that the 2 dates were exactly 2 months apart.

I have a little vent I need to get off my chest. It really makes me angry to hear people to talk about chemical pregnancies like they aren't a true miscarriage. I don't like when people treat it like it is just a missed period. I was attached to the baby I lost from the second I saw the positive test. I was in love with my baby even if the time was short it still hurt. It was still my child and I was pregnant and cared for it. Just because my miscarriage was early it was still a miscarriage. I wish people would understand that the physical and emotional pain was very real to me and I still sit here teary eyed about it even though I am growing a beautiful baby boy. I still love my angel baby and I always will. I don't even know what else to say so I will just stop now.

The rollercoaster continues.

So at lunch today I went to the restroom and had some blood tinged discharge. I wonder if this is my mucus plug. Honestly I never bled a day with Eve until 8 hours after my water broke and don't remember losing my mucus plug with her. I just wish this kid would relax and stop freaking me out. I will be calling the Dr. tomorrow. Luckily the bleeding was just that one time so I think we are ok but I will call tomorrow just to make sure.

Update.

Milo is most likely going to stay for a while. YYYYYYAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so happy that the test was negative. I go back to the Dr. in 3 weeks to make sure everything is still gravy. I have to go back in sometime this week to take the 3 hour glucose test. I am not looking forward to that but I guess I got to do what I gotta do. I really hope I don't have gestational diabetes because I don't know how to live in a world without sugar.

Milo

I have been sick on and off since last week Wednesday. I took off Thursday and Friday because the stomach bug hit the hardest then. I had off through Monday and took off today because I went to the Dr. All weekend I have been having a hard time and a lot of pressure on my cervix. I mentioned it to the Dr. today and she decided to check me out and I am already starting to dialate a little so she did a test to see if I would be likely to have preterm labor. If I get a negative it means I am ok and if it is positive I might have to go back on bedrest. She told me to take it easy and rest but that I could go back to work tomorrow and they will call me with the results of the test. She doesn't seem to be too concerned so I will go back tomorrow but am not really looking forward to it. It is really hard to take it easy when you teach 140 7th graders. I know my students will be so excited for me to be back tomorrow but I am not looking forward to the craziness. I just think it is going to be hard waiting for the results but I really hopr everything is ok and I am going to try my hardest to take it easy tomorrow.