The beginning fears.

Disclaimer: What I am about to share took me a long time to realize and is not my proudest of memories but it is what happened. This is going to be really really long.

Eve's pregnancy was really hard on me physically and emotionally. Probably not more than a normal person but it wasn't all sunshine and daisies like I thought it would be. I felt so overworked and overwhelmed that all I wanted to do was to get some sleep before she came. I dreamed of getting a good restful sleep. I decided to take off 2 weeks before my due date to get her things in order and more importantly get some extra sleep. I figured I would get at least 2 weeks if not more to accomplish all the tasks I had set forth. Well on my very first day off of work my water broke at 5 am. All my plans for some leisure time were thrown out the window. We went to the hospital and Eve was born at 3:42am the next day. I was in labor for about 23 hours and was exhausted. I spiked a fever right after having her so I was put on antibiotics and they wouldn't let me breastfeed her right away because I was in pretty bad shape (I was shaking from chills and kind of was in and out of consciousness.) They ended up giving her a bottle before I was given the opportunity to breastfeed. When it came time for me to breastfeed Eve wanted no part of it. She refused to be placed into any sort of position to be breastfed and whenever there was a boob in her face it would result in an all out meltdown. I had lactation consultants try and help and nothing was working. I wanted to breastfeed so desperately. We tried to get her on the boob the whole time I was in the hospital but it just wasn't happening. I decided to start pumping and supplement when needed with formula. While we were in the hospital I got next to no sleep because I had the IV in my hand the whole time and honestly that was the worst part of my recovery because it hurt so bad. Eve slept pretty well while we were in the hospital. We came home a loving family and I was so happy to be out of the hospital. When we got home I was pumping every 2 hours for 20 minutes in hopes of getting enough milk to not have to supplement and to help ease my engorgement. I felt like I was being strangled by my enormous breasts. Eve decided to go from sleepy all day baby to inconsolable all day where nothing makes me happy not eating, rocking, cuddling, gas drops, or a clean diaper. She wouldn't nap longer than 20 minutes and she had to have every light on and the TV on to hopefully stay calm enough to sleep or just not freak out. We tried everything. Adam and I would take shifts Basically he would take her from the time he walked into the house at 3:30pm-12am. I would try to sleep during that time but I still needed to pump every 2 hours, eat dinner, and I was desperate to spend time with him. I felt like a walking zombie and there were times I seriously had to put Eve down and go in another room and scream my head off just to let the frustration get out. This went on for 2 months. I wasn't sure if we were going to survive. I loved her more than anything but this was more than I had bargained for. Well when she was 2 months old she went 10 days without pooping. I was constantly talking to the Dr. office about what to do because my already fussy baby was getting worse. On top of all of this my breasts started hurting so bad I couldn't even walk because brushing my arm against them would make me start to cry. I continued to pump through the tears thinking it was just a clogged duct but as the pain became so unbearable we packed up and went to the hospital (because of course this all came to a head on a Saturday.) My parents took Eve and we spent 9 hours at the hospital for them to tell me I had mastitis in both breasts. While we waited in the hospital I confessed to Adam that I couldn't stand breastfeeding. I loathed it and wanted to quit. He was really supportive and said it was my decision to make. He was fine with just giving her formula. I had such mixed emotions on it. I went back and forth on the issue. I wanted to quit but I wanted to do what was best for her as well. Well I continued to pump for a few more days but as the mastitis began to clear I got a clogged duct and that was my final straw. I really couldn't do it anymore. Having a happy mommy was more important than being breastfed because I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be to her because I felt so miserable. The night we switched her to formula for good she finally pooped and the next night she slept 8 hours straight. It was a miracle and from that point forward she was a wonderful child and we started to bond.

When I look back at those first few months I am so sad because I don't think I bonded with her like I wanted to and I think I suffered from depression. I was so upset with the fact that I didn't get my time off before she was born. I was upset that I wasn't sleeping. I was upset that she wouldn't go to the breast. I was upset that I had to pump. I was upset that Adam had to go back to work when we had only been home a few days. I was upset that the first months weren't how I dreamed them to be. I have a lot of regret from her first few weeks and although she is a wonderful child I wish I had a better start with her.

With this pregnancy I felt a lot more prepared. I wasn't scared of delivery. I set it up so I could take a month off before he came. Adam would take off more time to help transition (although this might not happen.) I would be ok from the beginning if breastfeeding didn't work out. I would still give it a try but if he didn't latch on I would not guilt myself over it and just go directly to formula. I wouldn't feel bad asking for help from my parents or Adam's parents. I felt like I had a plan for everything that went wrong with Eve so we could have a better and more calm start with Milo. Then I got thrown the curve ball of a possible c/s and I felt those plans starting to fall through and was scared I would have the same really rough start I had with Eve. I don't want to feel regret or resentment towards him since things didn't work out like I planned them to. I know it will all work out in the long run but in the short term I think there might be some struggles. I hope that by realizing these feeling now I will be able to face the challenges that lie ahead. I know that it took me until Eve was almost a year old to realize how miserable I was those first few months and the impact that had on my relationship to Eve and Adam.

God has heard me.

I have some issues that I am constantly working on. Like I am not good at standing up for myself when it comes to medical issues. I also HATE talking on the phone. I am really proud of myself and leaving a message for the Dr about the possibility of a second u/s. I know it might not be a big deal and I said I was going to do that but the fact that I actually followed through on it makes me really proud of myself. Unfortunately the Dr is out of the office today so I won't hear back until tomorrow.

Last night as I lay in bed I was praying that I would go into labor soon so that this decision would be taken out of my hands and placed in God's instead. I fell asleep praying and when I woke up I felt this sense of peace come over me. Even though he didn't answer my prayer in the way I asked he did answer it. I am completely convinced that I just need to let nature take its course and God will take care of us. I still want the other u/s to just get a better idea of what we are facing but I don't think I will schedule a c/s. God made this baby for us and I trust that everything will happen the way it is supposed to and I really have no control over it even if it results in a c/s. I am choosing to enjoy my last moments of this miracle. Baby Milo we can't wait to meet you.

37 week update.

On Thursday we had a growth u/s. He is already measuring 8lbs. 14oz. That is 2 lbs more than Eve was when she was born. She thinks I might have been borderline diabetic and that is why he got so big because I have only gained 17 lbs. I am 3cm and 50% effaced. I was given a few options on what to do since he is so big and Adam and I have been in discussion ever since in regards to the situation. Basically the options given to us were:

1.) Wait to go into labor naturally or get induced around 5/5 and see what happens which after 9 lbs my dr. recommends a c/s due to the risk of baby getting stuck (which gives me until Monday approx. to not have a 9 lb kid.)
2.) Get an amnio done to see if his lungs are fully developed and induce on Monday which could result in a c/s.
3.) Schedule a c/s for sometime after 5/5.

Obviously at this point we are not going with option number 2. Amnio scares me so we won't go with that. Adam is really scared about something happening to me or the baby and is voting for the c/s even though both of us are having a hard time believing he is so big. Maybe I am just in denial but I don't feel like I am carrying a huge baby. I honestly have been much more comfortable this time around. I really really really don't want a c/s. I mean if that is the only way to have him fine but I would like to try for a vaginal delivery. So I think last night we finally made a plan of action that will make us both feel a little more comfortable. If I don't go into labor by Monday I will call the Dr. and ask for another u/s to be done at a different location. I know she might not agree with me but a c/s is a major surgery and if I was ever faced with surgery I would want a second opinion so therefore I think it is fair for me to say let me get another look at this baby and see how rapidly he is growing and if the second u/s tech agrees with the firsts estimate of his weight. From there we would reassess the situation and make a decision about what to do. I want a healthy baby more than anything but I also don't want to have a surgery that I will regret especially if they are off in his measurements.

This whole situation has been eating me up inside since Thursday and I feel robbed of being able to enjoy the last part of my pregnancy. I am all for u/s but I think in this case I would have almost rather been ignorant because I seriously have cried over this everyday. I have super mixed emotions on it. I know that there are worse things that could happen than a c/s but this is not how I pictured the outcome of this pregnancy and I have issues with things not going how I planned them in my head and I know this is totally my issue and God is probably just using this as an example for me to trust in him what will be best and I am trying and praying about it that I can let go of control and let God decide. I am most scared about what will happen both physically and emotionally postpartum wise if I do end up with a c/s but I will blog about that at a later time.

We're not having a baby or anything...

or at least this is what you would think based on both of our parents current actions. My mom's best friend purchased a plane ticket for her to come visit her in WI. She will be gone from April 28-May 7. My ILs are driving to WI and probably leaving on Monday (the 27) and will be gone for at least a week. I would imagine they will be gone for 2 weeks since it take 2-3 days to drive each way. So if I don't go into labor before Sunday there is a good chance the only family who will be here is my dad. Honestly I am ok with it I find it more ammusing than anything since both my mom and my mother-in-law are already calling to see if I am in labor yet. The only thing I am sad about is my mom being away after the baby is born and Adam having to go back to work although this probably won't be an issue. My dad happily agreed to watch Eve while I am in labor even if it means I have to call him at work to come get her. I am just a little shocked since both sets of parents just dropped this on us in the last couple of days. At least I won't have to entertain both sets of parents in the hospital together.

Eve Won!

I entered Eve into a photo contest to win Elmo live tickets. The criteria was to take a picture of your child or family enjoying the newest line of Shamrock products. I entered this picture and Eve won 4th place. I am so excited because we are going to go see Elmo Live! Eve was jumping up and down when I told her. We went last year and it was really cute but expensive. Now hopefully this baby cooperates so that I can go along to the show.

The Excitement Grows.

Last night I was having slightly painful contractions for 2 hours that were about 5 minutes apart and about 45 seconds long. I was worried I was going to be going to the hospital that night when I have so much stuff to do still before he comes. I decided to try and get some sleep and that seemed to make them slow down. I am still getting an occasional contraction but they don't hurt anymore. I am getting excited to meet him and am in desperate need to know if I am making progress at all but I don't go to the Dr. until Thursday.

Today was a lovely day. I woke up and Adam helped me get ready to go out (because that is a real task these days) and I met up with some ladies from work for a little baby shower luncheon. It was so sweet. We were at the restaurant for almost 3 hours chatting. It was absolutely beautiful outside. My mom took Eve to a big sister class at the hospital we are going to deliver at today. She had a lot of fun there. My mom said a baby was born right when they got there because they play Brahms lullaby throughout the hospital when every baby is born. My Dad took Eve to the local global village festival and they made a birdhouse together. Adam got to spend the day playing trains. He also put together the baby swing and bouncy chair. (Last nights labor scare finally got him to finish up some baby stuff.)

Tomorrow our good friend who lives in Colorado is coming to visit for the day because she is in town for work. We haven't seen her in about a year and miss her so much. We are a little sad that her husband isn't coming too because they are just such a fun couple to hang out with.

This weekend has been so relaxing and enjoyable so far. It has been so nice since I felt like the week was such a grind. I am finally starting to relax and am so looking forward for Milo. I can't believe he is going to be here in a matter of weeks. I feel my heart swelling to make room for all the extra love I am going to have for him in addition to the love of Eve. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and see what a great big sister Eve is going to be.

Easter

Looking for eggs!

Excited for what was in the eggs!

We had the nicest relaxing Easter. We were awoken by Eve who was so excited yet waited patiently for us to get out of bed which was a huge accomplishment for the world's most impatient child. She searched around the house and found all 42 of the eggs the Easter bunny hid. She thought it was really silly that the Easter bunny hid one in the fridge and told everyone about it. She played most of the morning with her new toys.

On the scavenger hunt!

At noon we went to my parents. They had set up a scavenger hunt for her presents. They spoil her too much. The hunt was so much fun and she knew exactly what all the clues that I read to her meant. We ran around the house collecting prizes for half an hour. It was really special that my parents put so much thought into it and included all the special things at their house that they share with her. Some of the clues were: Where you will find grandpa juice (vitamin water), where the ghostbusters are (she is obsessed with watching the Ghostbusters movie), where your pillow is etc. It seriously was so sweet. For the rest of the day we hung out and watched Bedtime stories. We then ate dinner and came home. I couldn't have asked for a better Easter and Eve seemed to enjoy herself.