Work.

Arizona is the most messed up state. We are facing being at a loss of 1.6 billion dollars this year. Where are they getting most of the money you ask? From education. They are taking back 95 million from us. Our school district alone has to cut out 8.8 million dollars before the end of the school year. What this means for us so far is that for the first 2 absent teachers a day we have to give up our prep hours and fill in for them without extra compensation. I already work 9 hour days with a 25 minute lunch and feel exhausted and now you are going to take away my only hour to prepare for my students. We have a lot of teachers that are out and there aren't a lot of teachers with my prep hour which means I will probably only get my prep every couple of days if I am lucky. Thankfully I will only have to deal with this for a couple of weeks because it doesn't start until after spring break and I will only be there for about 2-3 weeks after spring break but I feel bad for my coworkers. There are a lot of other cuts going to take place too. They are cutting funding to a lot of programs. I teach AVID which helps average students get ready for college for 2 periods a day. Our school gets extra contracts for those classes. Well next year we won't. So will we still have the program? It is one of the best programs on campus and I will be really sad if it goes even if I am not there because it matters to the students. They are also thinking of axing all day kindergarten. Eve is slated to start in 2010 and I want her to go to all day K. I will even pay for it but now not only are you making my job miserable but you are also taking away programs I want for my personal child. There are other programs we won't get as well. I really wish we had Janet Napolitano still as Governor. Jan Brewer is freaking idiot. To top off all the cuts the state government wants to lower taxes. Yeah we are short on money so we are going to lower taxes it makes a lot of sense. I really wish we had a more education friendly state government but that is what happens when your state is ultra conservative and run by a church (oh wait did I say that out loud?) I really wish they would take their heads out of their asses. I can't even start on everything that is wrong with their intended cuts but it would be nice if they had someone who actually knew what was good for education in office to help them see that taking away our already limited resources doesn't make us better at our job or make learning any easier for our students.

Right Direction.

My life is finally starting to settle down. My mom agreed to go see a therapist and we are slowly working on mending our relationship. I am so thankful for this. I also finished creating my professional development project for my capstone. I never thought I would get it done and I am fairly happy with how it turned out. We are getting settled back in our house and even made a much needed purchase of a new stove, dishwasher, and microwave. Now if I could just find a kitchen table I am in love with I would have a wonderful kitchen. Eve's birthday is on Sunday. I can't believe it has snuck up so fast. I am looking forward to getting to spend some quality time spoiling her and to top it all off I get an extra day off for Presidents day to spend with her.

From the mouth of Eve.

Eve was talking to my dad on the phone tonight and said to him that she was going to buy him an extra bed for our house so he could stay here and leave grandma at home.

Then when she was talking to my mom and said, "Grandma my parents won't let me come see you until you get some help."

I feel bad that Eve said those things about my mom but hopefully she gets the hint that she does need help. We really need to watch what we say because Eve doesn't realize what she says is hurtful and that is not my goal. I really just want my mom to see that she doesn't have to think the world is against her and see all the happy things in her life. Adam talked to my mom after and she said Eve is really rude and thinks she can talk to anyone however she wants. I am glad I was not on the phone with her because I would have yelled, "She is not even 4 years old yet. Give the child a break that she doesn't know how to censor herself around you yet!"

On a side note Eve loved spending the weekend with her other grandparents and seems to adjusting well to the change. She just keeps talking about when she can see her best friend grandpa so they can dance together and that breaks my heart.

Update.

This week has been a wild ride for sure. My final project was supposed to be ready for implementation on Sunday. I keep e-mailing my teacher and she hasn't responded and hasn't opened up the final piece I need so I am in limbo land with it. On Sunday my mom and I got into it again. We decided to finally move out. I ended up taking Eve up to Adam's parents for the week on Monday. All week we were moving and working. I am exhausted. I found a new daycare for Eve. I refuse to let my mom see Eve again until she agrees to go see a therapist. IMy parents are really mad at me but I need to do what is best for my family. So for the next few weeks I will be off and on because I have so much stuff to accomplish and set in place. Adam and I feel really good about our decision and feel like we are going to finally get to be adults. I think we have had such a dependent relationship with my parents that it is nice to get a break from them. I really hope my mom/parents can work everything out so that at some point in the future we can have a relationship with them but I don't want my daughter to be raised thinking a love/hate roller coaster relationship is ok. I feel the worst for Eve and my dad. They are best friends and it makes me sad that they won't get to spend as much time together but overall we are already seeing a change in Eve's relationship with us. It is nice to actually feel like I am her MOM not just her birth parent. The laughter in our home can return. I didn't realize how restricted I felt like when we were living there but Adam and I feel a huge sense of relief in being able to only answer to each other. My parents have a lot of challenges facing them in the future but Adam and I both realized that we can't fix their problems. We will still support them but we need to do what is best for our family first.

Rambling.

Life is going pretty well. I have to say that after my break I really expected to have a hard time going back to work but it has been pretty good so far. I had a rough week last week of sleeping due to that whole heartburn/acid reflux/puking thing but other than that I feel like I could take on the world right now. I finally feel like my old self again but at the same time feel really frustrated by a bunch of curve balls that have been thrown my way. I am coming to the crossroads in so many areas of my life. I am so excited, scared, and impatient for everything to fall into place. There are 3 main things I need to sort out over the next couple of months. I think everything will start to fall into place but as of right now I feel a little sad that I let an opportunity for the worlds best job pass me by just because I was too scared to apply. There was an opening at Adam's work for my perfect job and it was open for about 6 months. I was going to finally apply today and it is no longer posted. Adam said that it hasn't been filled yet so I don't know if they just took the job off the table because no one applied or they decided to eliminate the position for financial reasons. I am hoping that as things start to pick back up they might re-open the position and I can apply. I think I need a break from teaching. Whatever happens I am ready for. I am a little scared I might be let go next year from my position simply because I have 2 classes left for my ESL endorsement which will be required by my school next year. I am ok with that since I ultimately wanted to leave anyway but I am scared of all the changes that are going to happen that aren't in my control. I like to have all the cards in my favor not the other way around. I am trying to stay positive and just enjoy all the great things I have as opportunities for my future. I am ready for the challenge and am ready to fight off the roller coaster my life has become because of the situations I have put myself in. I am ready to start taking control of my life and making it what I want and what my family needs. This year is going to be a year of change for the better. I feel like I just lost 2 years of my life because of being selfish and now it is time to give back to my family.

My family has been so supportive of me these last few weeks, months, years it has been amazing. Eve has turned into such a big girl I can't believe in less than a month she will be 4. She is the sweetest most gentle little girl. Her love of her family astonishes me every day. I admire the peace and smiles she can bring to any room. Adam has been my rock who never once complains about anything I ask. I could lay in bed and daydream with him all day. I miss being able to lounge with him and not have to worry about 1000 different things. He is so excited to meet his son. He is the most amazing father to Eve and is more than I could have asked for and I can't wait to share that with our son too. Milo has been so active lately. I don't think he goes an hour without letting me know he is in there playing around or getting the hiccups. I have a feeling he is going to be just like his daddy and I can't wait for that. I feel like I have awoke from the fog that my life has become and am ready to face what lies ahead regardless of what happens.

A little vent.

I am not feeling well today. I got next to no sleep last night after waking up 2 times to puke from acid reflux. Honestly I could care less about the puking it is the burning sensation that gets stuck in the back of my throat that makes it so I can't sleep. When I was able to sleep it was in the sitting position to help prevent another bout with the toilet. Eve woke up extra early and climbed in bed with us and when I told her I wasn't feeling well so she needed to be quiet she decided to rub her blanky on me since it comforts her. It was sweet but then I couldn't sleep because it felt like my skin was being rubbed off. Finally she stopped and I drifted off to sleep. I think in total I slept 3 hours last night. It sucked and I woke up feeling like total behind. I still feel the burning in the back of my throat. I have not had the motivation to do any of my school work. I am not really sure what I am going to do. I have to have my project completed in just 2 weeks and I haven't even started it. Plus I still have to revise a few things I turned in last semester. I am so mad at myself for procrastinating because now that I feel like crap today I still need to work on it and all I want to do is go lay around in bed. My mom wanted spaghetti pizza tonight for dinner. Which is great but I am the only one who knows how to make it and I have no time or energy to make anything tonight. I bit my dads head off when he was asking me what HE could go get from the store. So now there are no dinner plans. I am stressed to the max and feel like I am coming down with a cold I really could give a shit what is for dinner. Honestly I feel so sick I don't even want to think about food. Is there any way I can get a clone for the next month. After that I think I will be ok but the next couple of weeks are going to be hectic and on top of it all I have just really been enjoying my time with Adam and Eve that I have no motivation to work instead of enjoying their company. ARRRRGGGHHH. Ok I guess I will go work now instead.

KSTDT4

We are watching the Discovery Planet Earth series and they have Polar bears on which Eve keeps calling Panda bears. Her is the conversation we just had.

Eve: What are they like to eat?
Me: I don't know honey we don't eat polar bears.
Eve: Nooooo Mom. What do they like to eat?
Me: Ohhh. They like seals.