Family Time.

Well we finally got to see Adam's parents on Friday and Saturday morning before they left. The good thing is that they were in a good mood so seeing them was enjoyable. On Friday we go to their hotel and before we got out of the car I went over a few things with Adam. I always do this because when we are around his parents he becomes oblivious to all my signals. I swear he always is on the same page as me and can understand with just a glance how I am feeling until he gets around his parents and he becomes totally oblivious. The one thing I wanted to reiterate to him was I had had a 1/2 bowl of cereal to eat all day and it was now 5 and I was starving and would prefer to not eat at 9 pm like they usually do. He said OK. We get to the room and we talk for awhile and then his parents ask what we want to do tonight. Adam's response, "Well I am not really hungry because I had a big lunch so what if we go drive around and explore." Um WTF??? Did I not tell him I was starving? I seriously wanted to strangle him. I must have given him the most evil look ever because then he was like "What?" I was so mad. I ended up getting a coke before we left the hotel and I had a mini bag of potato chips in my car that I ate but honestly the 5 chips did little for my stomach. When I got the coke I whispered to him how pissed I was and he said, "Sorry I forgot." We decided to checked out Canyon Lake. It is so beautiful there. It has been a long time since we have been there. Afterwards Adam asked them if they wanted to go back to our house for a while. WTF? I am still freaking hungry and by this point my head hurts from lack of food. Luckily they said it was getting late so we should probably go to dinner. We get back into town and go to Claim Jumpers. They have the most ginourmous portions of food. There are too many good things to decide on. I decided to get a Long Island to help dull the pain from my headache. I was drunk after I finished it because of lack of food and decided to order another one. I was smashed and ate a little food.

The real problem is in my insecurity. Adam's whole family is soooo skinny. They eat a ton of food and never gain weight. His parents are really critical of people that are overweight. They never say anything bad about me but they do talk about how fat other people are and they might be skinnier than me so it is an insult to me. I actually find it pretty funny how critical their parents are because all of their kids are with someone who is overweight. Anyway I hate bringing up the food issue because it just feels like I am saying I am fat because I want to eat all the time. I honestly eat healthy and I just get fatter. (Although since the miscarriage I have lost 4 pounds.) I don't know they just think that they are better than everyone in every way so it makes me feel really unaccepted.

Saturday was much better on my part although my stomach hurt from all the eating out. I don't do real well with greasy meals. We went to the mall and hung out and did a little shopping. It was really nice. Eve got some super cute outfits from Pumpkin Patch. I got a new shirt from Eddie Bauer. Adam's parents got Eve a bunch of toys from KB toys (a baby doll, barbie, polly pocket playset, and a Fisher Price MP3 player.) The kid really didn't really need anymore toys but she loves everything she got and we are thankful that they spoiled her a little.

The sadness continues.

Eve has been asking me all day to visit her other grandma/grandpa (Adam's parents). I told her we had to wait until Daddy came home to go visit them. She literally asked me about it every 20 minutes today and would be so upset when I said we had to wait. Well as I was getting ready to go Adam calls and says don't bother getting ready. Yep they canceled. They are in Sedona putting an offer on a house and won't be back tonight. So we will see if they will actually see us tomorrow. They will be here for a whole week and we will be lucky if we get to see them 1 day. But who knows maybe they will move here but I am not actually going to hold my breath on that one. Eve was so sad she actually cried real tears (not the fake ones she uses to get whatever she wants). She wanted to see them all day and I promised her all day and then I had to break my promise to her. As soon as Adam gets home she is going to call them and cry to them. I doubt it will make a difference because they only seem to be worried about themselves. I think it sucks that I ended up looking like the jerk breaking my promise to her. You would think I would have learned in the 6.5years I have know them to never make a promise that is connected to them. I hate breaking promises. On a good note my Dad set up this stupid karaoke thing for kids and Eve is rocking out right now with him. It is really cute. I am glad that my parents don't disappoint her. I missed the video of them rocking together but I did catch Eve singing the I love mommy song. Usually we sing together where I say I love Eve in my biggest opera voice and then she says I love Mommy. It is really obnoxious when we do it because we are both singing on the top of our lungs but it is our thing and makes us both laugh.

Something Special.

We are coming up to our 5 year wedding anniversary on 8.8.08. I want to do something special so I am trying to decide between going to San Diego or Sedona for a weekend getaway. Adam loves the water so San Diego would be great but Sedona is more romantic. I don't know yet. I think instead of picking and surprising him I am going to let him choose. We are going to do something fun and I am not going to let him be a spoil sport because it is going to cost money something he never seems to want to spend even though we have it to spend. I can't wait for our anniversary. It is the weekend before the students come back for the school year so it will be my final vacation for a while. I can't wait.

New Traditions

We have been so caught up in our own lives that I think sometimes we just lose track of what is really important. I really wanted to start some new traditions with Eve. The first thing I decided to do is to take Eve on a lunch date just the two of us at least once a month. We did it last month and had such a blast. We go to Streets of New York and have french fries and coke. It might not be healthy but it is a special time for us. We just love our lunch dates. I think it is the one meal a month I don't have to fight with her to eat. Adam and I also decided to start going to Gelato Freeze every Monday because they have buy one get one free. $4 gets super yummy Gelato for the whole family. My current favorite flavor is pink grapefruit. I usually get a scoop of raspberry too so that Eve can eat it all. I honestly don't think she cares what flavor it is as long as it is pink. I think we need to focus more on being a family. We get so caught up in doing what makes us all individually happy that we don't do what it takes to be a strong connected family as much as we can. I love my husband and daughter and I want to focus on them as the center of my world instead of work/school being my driving force. Family comes first and sometimes I lose sight of that.
I also lost sight of God. I have not been very religious lately but I think it is something I need to find again. I started praying the rosary again and I am doing the Rosary Novena. I think there are a lot of people who need prayer and healing right now. I am trying really hard to not ask God for anything besides to walk beside me as I struggle and to help families that are dealing with fertility issues find peace. I want to continue to find peace in my life and I think it means I will need to have some guidance from above.

Chemical Pregnancy

I have been trying to find out what others experienced with chemical pregnancies and am having a hard time finding someone that has gone through this. It supposedly is really common yet all I can find is what it is so I am going to recount my experience so far so that if others find themselves going through this they will know what I have been through.

June 26 -July 3 really crampy like my period was starting
July 2-BFP but lighter than I expected
July 4- BFP again but even lighter than the first one. I research it and it says it is most likely nothing. I am a little worried that I am going to lose the baby but let it go.
July 5-6 Crampy on my left side. I research some more and am really worried about an ectopic but convince myself I am being a hypochondriac.
July 7-Feeling better.
July 8-Start to spot at lunch time. The spotting is mostly brown but a tinge of pink occurs every now and then. I go to the ER and get my beta which is only 5. I am miscarrying.
July 9- Start bleeding at noon pretty heavy
July 10-Heavy cramping and bleeding
July 11- Bleeding slows down some. Diarrhea
July 12- Spotting and by the end of the day nothing
July 13- Really watery bleeding but kind of spotting.
July 14- Still lightly spotting but almost gone. Still a little crampy at times. Diarrhea
July 15- Almost done spotting. It is so light I would consider it gone. Still having random cramps in my stomach and ovary area. I think I am over analyzing it though because I only notice it when I am laying around. If I am out and about I feel normal.
July 16- It is finally done. I am done spotting and done cramping.
I am ready to move on. Adam and I are excited to start trying again.

Smartypants

Eve is to smart. She loves to play video games with Adam but she doesn't really know how to play so Adam gave her my controller to "play" with him. He took the batteries out so it can't actually do anything. First thing she did when Adam gave her the controller was turn it over and say "Didda where is the battery?" It sucks when you can't out smart a 3 year old. Love the munchkin but we are going to have to start getting more creative.

Moving Forward

The doctors appointment today was exactly what we needed to be able to move on. Even though I didn't get to see my regular doctor we did see another doctor in the practice. I had an appointment right before lunch so no one was in the waiting room. It was nice not to see all the baby bellies. I really love the practice I go to. Dr. H was great. He gave us the closure we needed without poking and prodding me. He said I could have an u/s if I wanted but it wasn't necessary. We decided to pass. He said if I was still bleeding longer than a normal period or if I was having any pain just to call and they will get me in for an u/s in just a couple of hours. He was really supportive of everything and said since the baby never really had a chance to develop there was no need for us to wait a full cycle before trying again. So it will kind of be like this was just a normal cycle just thrown off for a week. Adam and I talked today and we both decided that we will always hold our lost baby in our hearts but we need to move on. It is interesting how your feelings can change so fast. We are ready to start trying again. Eve has been such a trooper. She has been trying to comfort me all week and keeps asking me to not cry anymore. When I came home from the Dr. she asked me if I cried. I told her no. While rubbing my arm she told me she was really proud of me. Adam and I feel really bad for her. We decided that since we were getting ready to move forward we needed to help cheer up Eve because she has been doing everything to try and cheer us up. We took her to build-a-bear to make an Amethyst bear(it is her birth stone). We went a little crazy and let her pick out a bear, outfit, purse, and ipod. Total: $50. Seeing her happy: Priceless