New Traditions

We have been so caught up in our own lives that I think sometimes we just lose track of what is really important. I really wanted to start some new traditions with Eve. The first thing I decided to do is to take Eve on a lunch date just the two of us at least once a month. We did it last month and had such a blast. We go to Streets of New York and have french fries and coke. It might not be healthy but it is a special time for us. We just love our lunch dates. I think it is the one meal a month I don't have to fight with her to eat. Adam and I also decided to start going to Gelato Freeze every Monday because they have buy one get one free. $4 gets super yummy Gelato for the whole family. My current favorite flavor is pink grapefruit. I usually get a scoop of raspberry too so that Eve can eat it all. I honestly don't think she cares what flavor it is as long as it is pink. I think we need to focus more on being a family. We get so caught up in doing what makes us all individually happy that we don't do what it takes to be a strong connected family as much as we can. I love my husband and daughter and I want to focus on them as the center of my world instead of work/school being my driving force. Family comes first and sometimes I lose sight of that.
I also lost sight of God. I have not been very religious lately but I think it is something I need to find again. I started praying the rosary again and I am doing the Rosary Novena. I think there are a lot of people who need prayer and healing right now. I am trying really hard to not ask God for anything besides to walk beside me as I struggle and to help families that are dealing with fertility issues find peace. I want to continue to find peace in my life and I think it means I will need to have some guidance from above.

Chemical Pregnancy

I have been trying to find out what others experienced with chemical pregnancies and am having a hard time finding someone that has gone through this. It supposedly is really common yet all I can find is what it is so I am going to recount my experience so far so that if others find themselves going through this they will know what I have been through.

June 26 -July 3 really crampy like my period was starting
July 2-BFP but lighter than I expected
July 4- BFP again but even lighter than the first one. I research it and it says it is most likely nothing. I am a little worried that I am going to lose the baby but let it go.
July 5-6 Crampy on my left side. I research some more and am really worried about an ectopic but convince myself I am being a hypochondriac.
July 7-Feeling better.
July 8-Start to spot at lunch time. The spotting is mostly brown but a tinge of pink occurs every now and then. I go to the ER and get my beta which is only 5. I am miscarrying.
July 9- Start bleeding at noon pretty heavy
July 10-Heavy cramping and bleeding
July 11- Bleeding slows down some. Diarrhea
July 12- Spotting and by the end of the day nothing
July 13- Really watery bleeding but kind of spotting.
July 14- Still lightly spotting but almost gone. Still a little crampy at times. Diarrhea
July 15- Almost done spotting. It is so light I would consider it gone. Still having random cramps in my stomach and ovary area. I think I am over analyzing it though because I only notice it when I am laying around. If I am out and about I feel normal.
July 16- It is finally done. I am done spotting and done cramping.
I am ready to move on. Adam and I are excited to start trying again.

Smartypants

Eve is to smart. She loves to play video games with Adam but she doesn't really know how to play so Adam gave her my controller to "play" with him. He took the batteries out so it can't actually do anything. First thing she did when Adam gave her the controller was turn it over and say "Didda where is the battery?" It sucks when you can't out smart a 3 year old. Love the munchkin but we are going to have to start getting more creative.

Moving Forward

The doctors appointment today was exactly what we needed to be able to move on. Even though I didn't get to see my regular doctor we did see another doctor in the practice. I had an appointment right before lunch so no one was in the waiting room. It was nice not to see all the baby bellies. I really love the practice I go to. Dr. H was great. He gave us the closure we needed without poking and prodding me. He said I could have an u/s if I wanted but it wasn't necessary. We decided to pass. He said if I was still bleeding longer than a normal period or if I was having any pain just to call and they will get me in for an u/s in just a couple of hours. He was really supportive of everything and said since the baby never really had a chance to develop there was no need for us to wait a full cycle before trying again. So it will kind of be like this was just a normal cycle just thrown off for a week. Adam and I talked today and we both decided that we will always hold our lost baby in our hearts but we need to move on. It is interesting how your feelings can change so fast. We are ready to start trying again. Eve has been such a trooper. She has been trying to comfort me all week and keeps asking me to not cry anymore. When I came home from the Dr. she asked me if I cried. I told her no. While rubbing my arm she told me she was really proud of me. Adam and I feel really bad for her. We decided that since we were getting ready to move forward we needed to help cheer up Eve because she has been doing everything to try and cheer us up. We took her to build-a-bear to make an Amethyst bear(it is her birth stone). We went a little crazy and let her pick out a bear, outfit, purse, and ipod. Total: $50. Seeing her happy: Priceless

We lost the baby.

I lost the baby yesterday. We are totally devastated. I was in Sacramento for a conference. I came back from lunch and when I went to the bathroom I was spotting. I frantically tried calling my Dr. but the office was out to lunch. I called Adam not knowing what to do. He was upset and I told him I was going to go to the hospital to get checked out and I would keep him informed. I called the hotel front desk to find the nearest hospital. I drove myself there and was barely holding it together. As soon as I got in triage I lost it. I was all alone and scared out of my mind. The nurses were really nice and got me into a room in just a few minutes. Once I got into my room they took a urine sample and a blood sample. I then waited for 3 hours to see a dr. I was on the phone with Adam and my parents almost the whole time. I was a mess. I couldn’t believe this was happening when I had no one there for me. The dr. finally came in and they did a pelvic exam and he said my cervix looked good but there was a little blood. Then he went over the test results. My urine test came back negative for pregnancy and my blood work showed my Beta level at only 5. He told me I was young and in good health and should be able to get over this quickly. That was it. I was stuck there all by myself and just told I lost the baby. I still don’t understand what happened. I called Adam to switch me to the next flight home. My roommate for the conference was the only person who knew what was going on. She had to run a meeting while all of this was going on but came to the hospital to drive me home. We went back to the hotel and she helped me pack and took me to the airport. I cried almost all day yesterday including most of the 2 hour flight home. The people sitting around me must have thought I was a wack job. I really needed Adam. He held it together until we got home. The hardest part was seeing Eve. She was so upset to see me so upset and every time I look at her I start bawling. I know I may be rambling and probably missed a lot of details but I am just so heartbroken I can’t even think straight. I don’t know how I am going to get over this. My biggest fear is this will happen again. I am almost considering not having anymore children because I am not sure I can handle another loss like this. I will probably change my mind but for now I feel like my heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed. I am so angry, hurt, confused, heart broken, and sad. I am so lucky though to have such a wonderful husband and daughter who even through their own pain are trying so hard to be there for me. I am so happy to be home. Yesterday was the worst day of my whole life.

Happy Birthday America!

Eve loves to dress fancy(dresses) but since today is 4 th of July I wanted her to wear the special outfit I got her. I had to tell her it was a special outfit because it is America's birthday. As I was getting her dressed she said, "are we going to make a special cake and sing happy birthday to Merica?" I told her we could make special cupcakes. So Happy Birthday America!

Eve's reaction.

Me: Eve, Mommy and Daddy are going to have a baby. You are going to be a big sister.
Eve: OHHHH WOOOOOWWWWW! (said in slow motion)

She runs off to play.

She is excited as you can tell. :)