Moving Forward

The doctors appointment today was exactly what we needed to be able to move on. Even though I didn't get to see my regular doctor we did see another doctor in the practice. I had an appointment right before lunch so no one was in the waiting room. It was nice not to see all the baby bellies. I really love the practice I go to. Dr. H was great. He gave us the closure we needed without poking and prodding me. He said I could have an u/s if I wanted but it wasn't necessary. We decided to pass. He said if I was still bleeding longer than a normal period or if I was having any pain just to call and they will get me in for an u/s in just a couple of hours. He was really supportive of everything and said since the baby never really had a chance to develop there was no need for us to wait a full cycle before trying again. So it will kind of be like this was just a normal cycle just thrown off for a week. Adam and I talked today and we both decided that we will always hold our lost baby in our hearts but we need to move on. It is interesting how your feelings can change so fast. We are ready to start trying again. Eve has been such a trooper. She has been trying to comfort me all week and keeps asking me to not cry anymore. When I came home from the Dr. she asked me if I cried. I told her no. While rubbing my arm she told me she was really proud of me. Adam and I feel really bad for her. We decided that since we were getting ready to move forward we needed to help cheer up Eve because she has been doing everything to try and cheer us up. We took her to build-a-bear to make an Amethyst bear(it is her birth stone). We went a little crazy and let her pick out a bear, outfit, purse, and ipod. Total: $50. Seeing her happy: Priceless

We lost the baby.

I lost the baby yesterday. We are totally devastated. I was in Sacramento for a conference. I came back from lunch and when I went to the bathroom I was spotting. I frantically tried calling my Dr. but the office was out to lunch. I called Adam not knowing what to do. He was upset and I told him I was going to go to the hospital to get checked out and I would keep him informed. I called the hotel front desk to find the nearest hospital. I drove myself there and was barely holding it together. As soon as I got in triage I lost it. I was all alone and scared out of my mind. The nurses were really nice and got me into a room in just a few minutes. Once I got into my room they took a urine sample and a blood sample. I then waited for 3 hours to see a dr. I was on the phone with Adam and my parents almost the whole time. I was a mess. I couldn’t believe this was happening when I had no one there for me. The dr. finally came in and they did a pelvic exam and he said my cervix looked good but there was a little blood. Then he went over the test results. My urine test came back negative for pregnancy and my blood work showed my Beta level at only 5. He told me I was young and in good health and should be able to get over this quickly. That was it. I was stuck there all by myself and just told I lost the baby. I still don’t understand what happened. I called Adam to switch me to the next flight home. My roommate for the conference was the only person who knew what was going on. She had to run a meeting while all of this was going on but came to the hospital to drive me home. We went back to the hotel and she helped me pack and took me to the airport. I cried almost all day yesterday including most of the 2 hour flight home. The people sitting around me must have thought I was a wack job. I really needed Adam. He held it together until we got home. The hardest part was seeing Eve. She was so upset to see me so upset and every time I look at her I start bawling. I know I may be rambling and probably missed a lot of details but I am just so heartbroken I can’t even think straight. I don’t know how I am going to get over this. My biggest fear is this will happen again. I am almost considering not having anymore children because I am not sure I can handle another loss like this. I will probably change my mind but for now I feel like my heart has been broken in a way that can never be fixed. I am so angry, hurt, confused, heart broken, and sad. I am so lucky though to have such a wonderful husband and daughter who even through their own pain are trying so hard to be there for me. I am so happy to be home. Yesterday was the worst day of my whole life.

Happy Birthday America!

Eve loves to dress fancy(dresses) but since today is 4 th of July I wanted her to wear the special outfit I got her. I had to tell her it was a special outfit because it is America's birthday. As I was getting her dressed she said, "are we going to make a special cake and sing happy birthday to Merica?" I told her we could make special cupcakes. So Happy Birthday America!

Eve's reaction.

Me: Eve, Mommy and Daddy are going to have a baby. You are going to be a big sister.
Eve: OHHHH WOOOOOWWWWW! (said in slow motion)

She runs off to play.

She is excited as you can tell. :)

Telling the Family.

Today we told our parents and brothers and sisters that we are expecting number two. I had my DD go up to my mom in her shirt and say, "Look at my new shirt Grammy." My mom read it outloud and both of my parents were like "Are you guys expecting again?" They are so excited.

Last night I sent this e-mail to Adam's parents.

They called us today and are really excited. They were already up to their usual antics. "We are too young to have 6 grandkids." Um talk to your younger daughters who each have 2 kids not us legally married late 20 year olds ok. "You need to have a boy so you can carry on our last name." I don't really care if this awful last name gets passed on. You still have another son who has no kids yet to pass it on. I honestly just want a healthy baby. "When you have the baby you need to name him Thomas Adam." No you already have one grandson named Thomas you aren't getting another one named after you. I now refuse to even consider it as a middle name not that I ever really was. Plus we could have a girl. I hate how people assume you need one of each. I honestly would be happy with either. I know it is just how they show excitement but it just annoying.

I sent the same e-mail to my brother and Adam's sister and brother so we will see how they react. I really hope they e-mail me because I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone. I am happy we told everyone even though it is really early. I do like having the support of family.

Mission Accomplished!!!

I took a pregnancy test this morning and it was positive! I am so freaking excited.

Waiting Game

Adam is convinced that I am pregnant. I think he thinks that because it happened so easy with Eve it is go to happen easily again. I keep telling him not to get his hopes up because it could take us a while. If I say anything is ailing me he automatically goes, “It is because you are pregnant.” As much as I would love that to be true I am don’t think I am. The only thing that is odd is that all weekend I have been getting nauseous at night time. I think that is due to the stress from school though.(I have been cramming dinner into my face and then go sit and stress about how I will meet all my deadlines) Otherwise I am crampy and have slightly sore breasts but that is all the usual for pre-period. I know tonight as I was working on my homework I was so worked up trying to get our work done by the deadline that my stomach was in total cramps. I kept thinking if I get my period right now I will lose it. Luckily it hasn’t started yet and I finished the most stressful part of my work. We are in the wait now.

On a side note this afternoon was fun. My G (grandma) came over today and we celebrated her 87th birthday which is really on Wednesday July 2 (for some reason I always think it is the 3rd). To get a little of her birthday luck if I don’t get my period before then I will be testing on Wednesday. We had turkey for dinner and Adam and I broke the wishbone and he won. I am sure his wish was for something stupid like trains or sex where my wish really mattered. I wished I was pregnant. So if I am not I am going to tell him it is his fault for not letting me get my wish to come true. (totally joking)