Today.

Today was interesting for sure. First there was no air conditioning in my classroom today. It rained last night so imagine a day spent with 25-30 kids and it is 100 degrees and super humid. It rained this morning which made the humidity unbearable. So I finally found a classroom with air conditioning that I could move my class to. This classroom was not much cooler than mine but the air was on. I wore a sweater to school today because it has been really cold in my classroom lately. On my way to the new classroom I totally tripped and am now missing a chunk out of my hand, arm, and knees. I also scratched the crap out of my favorite shoes. The kids were so sweet and helped me get all the things I dropped and one ran to the nurse to get me a band aide and something to clean my major scratch on the back of my hand. Eve helped me super clean and bandage it once I got home. I thought she was going to start crying as I sprayed the lanacane on it because I couldn't stop swearing it hurt so freaking bad. It says on the label cools & soothes instantly. My ass it does. It should say something more like "Burns like a Bitch but you won't get any diseases from this one." I am totally freaking out now because bad things always come in threes. I am feeling a little crampy tonight so I am scared AF is going to be early again I hope I am wrong but I think Adam and I just didn't have great timing this month. If I am not pregnant this month it should make for an interesting trip to Wisconsin because my fertile time falls close to that weekend. We have to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room at Adam's parents house because they are moving.

Something I need to work on.

I am just beginning to realize how much I covet things. This usually starts with me being judgmental and then turns into full on jealousy followed by more judgments. I feel like a terrible person when I act this way. So here I will be completely honest and you can see how big of a douche I am. I have never understood how people could handle having their kids close together in age. I think it is ridiculous when someone gets pregnant within a year after the first. Why you might ask? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I didn't have a sibling close in age. I can't afford to have two close together. Eve was a royal pain in the behind for the first couple of months and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that plus another kid that is not capable of taking care of themselves. The first kid didn't captivate their attention enough that they need to add another one right away. Is this a stupid reasoning? I am sure and I don't understand at why I feel this way. So there is my first judgement. It is stupid and I tell myself the other side of each of those arguments but they don't seem to sink through. Today on BOTB someone announced their BFP and I seriously felt my heart drop. Her family seems so perfect and her first child is completely beautiful and yet I am such a douche that honestly I feel sick that it happened so easy for her. Her perfect family is going to get more perfect. I am jealous. I am sorry that I feel this way but I do. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to and yet God left me with a scar in my heart and a fear that I am never going to get the perfect family. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because honestly I know there are a lot of ladies that would do anything to have the beautiful daughter I already have. We haven't even been trying for #2 that long but I am sad that I had a miscarriage and I know this whole other situation is unrelated but I want my perfect family and I wish I could stop feeling this way. I am sure tomorrow I will be really happy for her but right now I need to just try and think positive thoughts because the negatives are making the person I don't want to be.

Work Update Part 2.

We had another surprise meeting this morning to talk about what was going on with the schedules. The whole thing is a total mess and I am honestly so sick over it. My work has decided to go against my personal beliefs in teaching. All I can say about the whole situation is that I feel sorry for our students. I can't even begin to describe how wrong our school is. I have said my piece and no one will listen to me simply because it is too much work even though deep down I think everyone knows I am right. Maybe I am to much of an idealist but honestly I am just sticking up for the kids because God knows that no one else is. I am seriously so disappointed. Today put the nail in the coffin for me and I will be leaving at the end of the year. I can't continue to work somewhere that goes completely against my educational philosophy. I will continue to push on with my students but all buy in to the school is gone completely.

This Weekend.

This weekend has been really blah and I wish I could have one more day off.
Yesterday Eve went to Disneyland with my parents. I miss her but honestly it is nice to have a break from her. She was being a stinker this morning I guess and wouldn't do anything that my parents wanted.
We went to see DMB last night. It was an ok concert but I would have liked if they had play a few more popular songs. I knew 3 songs all night and 1 of those was Burning Down the House which isn't even by them. I think the concert would have been 110% better if it was at an indoor stadium. We were supposed to have great seats but they ended up being way off to the side and they only had a video on the main part of the stage and we couldn't see it. I am not sure why they didn't project their videos onto the 2 side screens which would have made it better. I was surrounded by giants. My DH is 6'1" and everyone around us was even taller than him. I am 5'2" and I couldn't see over anyone. It was still 100 degrees when we got in the car to go home. I seriously have never been so hot in my entire life. I felt hungover today even though I didn't drink last night and had about 10 bottles of water. I will never go to another concert there again unless I can sit in the middle and it is during winter time. The best part was getting felt up as you walked through the gates. They pat down everyone totally cops style. They have a separate line for girls and boys and they make you empty your pockets and then caress your whole body. It was great.

Today Adam and I had to take our cats to the humane society. It was really sad. We have been trying for 6 months to find someone else to take them and every time we get someone lined up it fell through. We are out of options. They seriously are the sweetest cats and I hope they get adopted. I am trying to not think about what else could happen to them but it is hard. They can't live with us because my mom is allergic to them. If you are reading this please don't judge me because I feel terrible but it was our only option. I will never get another pet because I don't ever want to have to make a choice like that again. I feel like a total douche.

On a good note Adam and I made a fabulous dinner. I love spending time with just him. It was something I totally took for granted before we had Eve.

Work Update.

Well the good news is currently we are not losing any teachers but the bad news is that they want to create a study skills classes in place of the small classes. Mathematically it makes no sense because if you aren't getting rid of anybody or any sections but just rearranging where the students are then it will just make the classes you are taking the students from smaller. Shuffling the students doesn't make the problem disappear. It simply makes the problem shift from one teacher to another. This whole thing is stupid. What needs to happen is she needs to get rid of some extended contracts. We all have to work an extra hour. I think they need someone who can think logically about the schedule in there trying to get this crap straightened out. I think it is ridiculous that 3 weeks into the school year we have to keep messing with the schedule to make it work and it is going to take at least another week for this mess to unfold into another mess. I feel so bad for our students because they are going to have to give up their elective to take this class. So next week I will be teaching this study skills class and honestly it is a joke and I am not going to put any extra effort into the class. Just what I wanted to do this year was teach a made up class with no curriculum. Thanks a lot. I now have one foot out the door and it is going to take something pretty big to keep me at my current school next year.

A mini vent

Today seemed to be a day where there were a lot of rough patches. First of all I sat through my 4th straight morning meeting and this one there were a whole lot of rude and obnoxious teachers who don't seem to understand manners or listening. Upon the return to my classroom after the second bell and all the kids sitting outside my room waiting patiently I got everyone in and settled (I have great students) and checked my voicemail. I will be having another meeting tomorrow before school. So in 5 days I will have had 6 meetings outside of school hours. Tomorrow's meeting will take the cake. The implied topic is that we have to cut teachers. Our enrollment is down and I think we will have to lose a teacher. Who knew that adding an extra hour for all teachers would mean we need one less teacher? Oh that would be me, but apparently I am the only one who knew how to do the math. So I feel really bad that this is going to happen and then I feel really selfish because I don't want to have to have my schedule all overturned 3 weeks into the school year. I am really frustrated also that next week I have to give up 2 full days of instruction for some random crap that we have to go over with the students. I have a crap ton of stuff to teach my students and I can't afford to give up instructional days. Anyway enough work. I am trying to stay positive and uninvolved so I don't get all bent out of shape. Did I mention I start my own classes next week when all of this change will take place.

Today one of my students started telling me about how there were 4 kids in her family but her older brother died when he was born because the umbilical cord was around his neck. Then all the other students started telling me about how their parents have had multiple miscarriages. I held it together during this whole discussion and didn't show any sign of my own. I am really proud of myself. Then later I had some students come visit that I had 4 years ago and they were telling me how almost all the kids from our school have kids now except for the kids in the AVID program who have all done well. It was hard to hear about the 15+ teens they know who are pregnant or already have a baby. Some of them have already had multiple pregnancies and these kids are only 16-17. It really breaks my heart. So overall today has been a little crazy and I am happy to be at home and am looking forward to having a nice stiff drink tomorrow.

KSTDT2.

Kids say the darnedest things will now be referred to as KSTDT.

Adam, Eve, and I are all laying on the couch watching TV and I ask Adam if I can have one of his donuts. He said sure and Eve asked if she could have a little one too (doughnut hole). I said sure we'll get them in a minute. She turned to Adam and said, "Will you get Mommy a big doughnut and me a little doughnut? Mommy and me are lazy." I think I have some bad habits I need to break.