Adam and I have always agreed to have 2 kids if God granted them to us. I have always thought in the back of my mind that perhaps we would have 3 especially if we ended up with 2 of the same sex kids because I really wanted a girl and Adam wanted a boy (which I find amazing because Eve is all about Daddy and Milo so far is all about Mommy.) Well as fate would have it we have one of each. So now Adam is completely convinced that this is it, but I have this desire to have another. This last year has been a roller coaster for us. In the last year we have lost a pregnancy, a grandma, and a grandpa and we gained our beautiful Milo after many ups and downs. Adam has stated on occasion of me bringing up the possibility of a 3rd baby that this year has been too much and he really doesn't want to go through it again. He loves the family we have created and is willing to go get "fixed." We have agreed to wait a year before going through the procedure to make sure we are really done. Well I just can't seem to let it go. I feel like I am really ok with 2 kids and honestly there are so many drawbacks in my mind of having another...more money for daycare, need a bigger car/van, need a bigger house, etc. Two kids fits us and our lifestyle. So why can't I let go of this idea of one more? I have been thinking about it a lot. And then as I was casually talking to Adam in the car today about having maybe one more I think it dawned on me why. As a kid growing up I always said to myself that my life's goals were to graduate college, get married, and have kids just as I think many young girls think of. Well I have done all of those things...now what. I think this idea was also confounded by the fact that we waited so long between kids. Starting 2.5 years ago I really wanted another kid and we waited a year and a half before trying again and I think that build up of we are going to be trying and then waiting for the healthy birth of your child is huge and realizing that I won't get to do that again kind of sucks even though it is good too. So now I feel like I have this huge part of me that is going to be part of my past. Am I all grown up now that I meet all my lifetime goals from when I was a kid? Do I need to make new long term idealistic goals to get the feeling to go away? Or do I accept that I have finished one wonderful chapter I have dreamed about since I was little and be open to where the next chapter leads me. I really think I need to accept that we are done having kids and just look forward to watching them grow. I really don't want another kid I just want the experience and that is not a reason to have a child so hopefully God will grant me peace with the decision to love and enjoy my two beautiful children and allow the longing for another to subside.
