Pictures.

So I know I started this blog to share pictures and stories of Eve and I have kind of been slacking on that an focusing more on myself lately but the truth is that it is hard to take pictures of Eve. The kid does not like to wear clothes around the house and the only time I ever think to take pictures of her is when we are at home since that is where the camera is. I am not saying she has to look perfect for every picture but I would at least like her to be clothed in her pictures so all of the sickos out their don't see my child naked. Why don't we make her wear clothes around the house? Simply because I would like to be naked all day too and don't really see what the big deal is. My mom dresses her every morning and the clothes last about 2 hours and it is not a fight I want to pick. I would rather make sure she eats healthy and is learning than making sure she stays clothed all day. So on the rare occasion that she is dressed and I have the camera out we take pictures but it is becoming a rarity these days. I really should stop buying the kid clothes because she only wears them in public and her wardrobe is more expensive than mine and Adam's combined.

Little Miss Attitude.

Adam was trying to get Eve to go watch TV in the other room, but she wanted to stay in here with me. So Adam helped Eve off the floor and sent her on her way to the other room and she turned to him in her snottiest attitude and said, "Dida, why are you always telling me what to do?" She may be sweet most days but she knows how to cock an attitude in 3 seconds flat when things don't go her way.

It got darker!

I am so excited.

Yesterday I talked to Adam about how he was feeling about all of this. He said he doesn't want to get too attached until we hear the heartbeat. I understand how he is feeling but he better make up for lack of emotional attachment after we hear the heartbeat. I think he is scared because he actually got super excited about the last baby and just doesn't want his heart broken again.

I really think this is the real deal. I felt different like something was wrong from the beginning with the last pregnancy and this one just feels right. I also have more symptoms this time. My boobs hurt like a biznatch and I am so freaking gassy I can clear a room in about 1 sec. I have been pretty crampy but I think it is a mixture of growing pains and gas pains. I have been a little tired but I am sure that is due to my freakishly long days this week and the lack of sleep that I will blog about later. Twice this weekend I woke up an almost puked so I think I need to stop eating so close to bedtime because the same thing happened when I was pregnant with Eve.

We did it again???

Well this morning AF was due and she hasn't shown so I took a test and got a TFP (Tiny Faint Positive). I am a little concerned because it is FRER and they were super dark when I got my BFP with Eve and medium with the last pregnancy. It should have been a nice dark line but it is seriously light but totally there. I am going to retest on Wednesday and if it gets darker by then I will feel more confident. I know they say a line is a line but with the last pregnancy I took 2 tests and the lines faded instead of getting darker and when I was pregnant with Eve I took two tests and they got darker. The only reason I could see that it is off is perhaps I o'd later than usual. This was the one month I decided not to temp. I know they say the darkness of the line doesn't matter but I am just concerned because of the previous m/c. So I am excited but we will have to wait and see what happens.

Today.

Today was interesting for sure. First there was no air conditioning in my classroom today. It rained last night so imagine a day spent with 25-30 kids and it is 100 degrees and super humid. It rained this morning which made the humidity unbearable. So I finally found a classroom with air conditioning that I could move my class to. This classroom was not much cooler than mine but the air was on. I wore a sweater to school today because it has been really cold in my classroom lately. On my way to the new classroom I totally tripped and am now missing a chunk out of my hand, arm, and knees. I also scratched the crap out of my favorite shoes. The kids were so sweet and helped me get all the things I dropped and one ran to the nurse to get me a band aide and something to clean my major scratch on the back of my hand. Eve helped me super clean and bandage it once I got home. I thought she was going to start crying as I sprayed the lanacane on it because I couldn't stop swearing it hurt so freaking bad. It says on the label cools & soothes instantly. My ass it does. It should say something more like "Burns like a Bitch but you won't get any diseases from this one." I am totally freaking out now because bad things always come in threes. I am feeling a little crampy tonight so I am scared AF is going to be early again I hope I am wrong but I think Adam and I just didn't have great timing this month. If I am not pregnant this month it should make for an interesting trip to Wisconsin because my fertile time falls close to that weekend. We have to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room at Adam's parents house because they are moving.

Something I need to work on.

I am just beginning to realize how much I covet things. This usually starts with me being judgmental and then turns into full on jealousy followed by more judgments. I feel like a terrible person when I act this way. So here I will be completely honest and you can see how big of a douche I am. I have never understood how people could handle having their kids close together in age. I think it is ridiculous when someone gets pregnant within a year after the first. Why you might ask? It could be for a multitude of reasons. I didn't have a sibling close in age. I can't afford to have two close together. Eve was a royal pain in the behind for the first couple of months and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that plus another kid that is not capable of taking care of themselves. The first kid didn't captivate their attention enough that they need to add another one right away. Is this a stupid reasoning? I am sure and I don't understand at why I feel this way. So there is my first judgement. It is stupid and I tell myself the other side of each of those arguments but they don't seem to sink through. Today on BOTB someone announced their BFP and I seriously felt my heart drop. Her family seems so perfect and her first child is completely beautiful and yet I am such a douche that honestly I feel sick that it happened so easy for her. Her perfect family is going to get more perfect. I am jealous. I am sorry that I feel this way but I do. I feel like I did everything like I was supposed to and yet God left me with a scar in my heart and a fear that I am never going to get the perfect family. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself because honestly I know there are a lot of ladies that would do anything to have the beautiful daughter I already have. We haven't even been trying for #2 that long but I am sad that I had a miscarriage and I know this whole other situation is unrelated but I want my perfect family and I wish I could stop feeling this way. I am sure tomorrow I will be really happy for her but right now I need to just try and think positive thoughts because the negatives are making the person I don't want to be.

Work Update Part 2.

We had another surprise meeting this morning to talk about what was going on with the schedules. The whole thing is a total mess and I am honestly so sick over it. My work has decided to go against my personal beliefs in teaching. All I can say about the whole situation is that I feel sorry for our students. I can't even begin to describe how wrong our school is. I have said my piece and no one will listen to me simply because it is too much work even though deep down I think everyone knows I am right. Maybe I am to much of an idealist but honestly I am just sticking up for the kids because God knows that no one else is. I am seriously so disappointed. Today put the nail in the coffin for me and I will be leaving at the end of the year. I can't continue to work somewhere that goes completely against my educational philosophy. I will continue to push on with my students but all buy in to the school is gone completely.